"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH

This week: Back in business!

Plus: Jeff Martin of the Tea Party DEAD in a bathtub!! You read it here first!!!

Ed's note: Although the Rant Line™ was not scheduled to appear in the Mirror during the construction holiday period from July 24 to August 7, the Rant Line system itself was supposed to be accepting calls. Unfortunately, due to a combination of human and mechanical error, this did not occur. According to my investigation, the Rant Line ceased to record calls on July 28 at 8:55 p.m., following a three minute and 11 second call from a f that was cut off after the words "I miss you, man, that's all, la la la la la la..." However, it was possible to send a FAXRANT right up until August 5, 2:46 p.m., at which point an E-6 error took place and the system ran out of paper. (For the record, the last communiqué was a JUNK FAX from someone named Stephen Pichette, who sent in useless information about his overpriced and no doubt shoddy "remanufactured Laser printer toner cartridges"). All of which is to say that this week's Rant Line will be comprised of rants that could extend as much as ONE MONTH into the past, as opposed to the usual up-to-the-minute bulletins you are accustomed to reading in this column. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. And now, let's begin pretty much where we left off...

fThis is regarding the comment about Jeff Martin of the Tea Party's face being totally bloated. Well, I've got two words for you: Jim Morrison. I wouldn't be surprised if a year from now they found Jeff Martin DEAD in a BATHTUB. Honestly, do you see any difference between the two, other than their names? And that one was very talented and made music in the '60s? [BLEEP!]

mYeah, this is Joe from St-Leonard. I've got something to say all you guys who call in and say all these stupid things about the music scene--WHO GIVES A SHIT!? Me, I go to Crescent, I look at girls, I have a good time. That's my advice to you. Just go out and have a GOOD TIME. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

fAbout all those guys who wear those Wu-Tang shirts that say on the back "Ain't nothing to fuck with." Doesn't that tell us more than we want to know? Aren't they aware of what that means? [BLEEP!]

mI'm calling to rant about a band called Western Dream. Guys, no matter how much you use embellishments in your stage act, such as an Ice Queen reading from the Bible, or a girl playing cello, or a goth singer playing bongos, it will never hide the fact that you guys are really just a cheap Sisters of Mercy tribute act. If you're going to be goth, at least be original goth. [BLEEP!]

mHi, my name is Dave and this rant is in response to the one-line record review of the new Blue Rodeo album. I guess it must be hard to write a one-line review, but surely Johnson Cummins knows that there's a difference between criticism and an ignorant broadside swipe that says nothing about the work in question. Smarten up, man, and stop giving us one-liners that only you think are funny. And by the way, what's so bad about riding Gram Parson's coattails, anyway? [BLEEP!]

mHey, this is Joey. I want to let everybody know that we have no need for all this criticism of an individual's taste in clothes or music. Music is music, it's a form of freedom of speech. It doesn't matter if a guy wears Spandex, a kilt, leather, velvet, cowboy boots or a cowboy hat. I personally wear ALL these things and I don't give a shit what people think. And I like rap, reggae, pop, heavy metal, you name it. To all those who want to ridicule me, you can suck my ass. Bye. [BLEEP!]

mJust to correct the guy who said metal came round in the '80s with Warlock. It came round in the '70s with Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

mWarlock? Warlock!! HAHAHA. I was raised on heavy metal too, same generation, and unfortunately I got stuck with a lot of that cheese from the '80s that has been BURIED. Like Judas Priest--the priest from the East! HAHAHA. Rob Halford in his plastic leather riding his Harley onto the stage--the guy couldn't even ride a fucking bike. What a joke! The only thing that made sense was the comment about all this acid jazz and techno shit. That's where it's at today--the only music people can relate to these days is an Atari soundtrack. Rock 'n' roll is DEAD. So let's all take some E and head to the rave and fuck each other's ass. Later. And, oh yeah: props to Kick Axe. HAHAHA. [BLEEP!]

mHi, this is Mick. M-I-C-K, not N-I-C-K, since I don't want to be mistaken for a Backstreet Boy. I just wanted to say that I took my two-dollar nail polish off and put on some five-dollar nail polish and IT WORKS. I no longer feel like a cheap whore. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.