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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: Keanu in shorts, Barbie in bondage, Jeff Martin's exploding face. Plus: Heavy metal's roots traced right back to Warlock! m I'd like to make two points to those who listen to and create heavy metal. Point one: I was a metalhead, a vocalist, many years ago when metal first came around--in the '80s. I was there at its birth, I saw it all. I saw all the old original bands, like Warlock. I did metal, sang in the bands, watched it evolve. And now I'm seeing a lot of younger kids pick it up and say that '90s metal--black or death metal--is the real metal. Guys, study some music history! Learn how to be analytically correct! Point 2: honestly, I am getting a little bit ashamed to say that I am a metal vocalist today. Not just because alternative music has become popular, or techno or rave or Hi-NRG or acid jazz. None of these things. The reason I am ashamed is because metal music has lost its PUNCH and its OOMPH. It's turning into a who-can-be-uglier contest. Or messier or more revolting. Original metal had to do with having some kind of GOOD FEELING IN YA, really kicking ass. It was not about being messy and ugly. Guys, go back, do your homework, go find out what real metal was. What you're playing is a derivative of heavy metal, it is evolved metal. It is not the original metal that came out of rock. This is said as a professional. [BLEEP!] f I am the biggest Tea-head on the island of Montreal and I'm calling to rant about the review in the Mirror about the Tea Party's latest album Transmission. I must say I completely disagree. I think it is wonderful and if it's not, why the hell is it selling so well? Montreal is lucky to be the base of such an amazing Canadian act. Besides, Jeff Martin is one of the hottest guys around. Girls, isn't he gorgeous? And that voice is so sexy it makes me shiver. I get chills just thinking about it. Ohhhhhh. [BLEEP!] f Could somebody please tell me what's happened to Jeff Martin's face? I think it exploded. He never used to look like that, I'm very distressed. I have to admit that I love their new video "Temptation," but my god, what have they done to his face? Is he pregnant from the neck up? [BLEEP!] f Is it just me or does the oldest member of Hanson look like Chelsea Clinton? [BLEEP!] f Guess who graced our great city with his presence last night? That's right, Keanu Reeves!! And he was wearing short pants!! WHEEEEE. Wow, I can't believe it, Montreal is getting more and more like New York. No, no, no: HOLLYWOOD. YEAAAAH. But you know, when we saw him, we didn't freak out, since we are rock stars ourselves. Uh-huh! Keanu Reeeeeves. WHOOOOA. [BLEEP!] f [attempting to sound like a chicken] Hello, BOOOOOOCK. This is Henrietta Chicken and I have something to say to Adam of DCMC. James Di Salvio and I have been lovers for the last 10 years. BOOOCK. So he's not really yours, he's mine. BOOOOCK. [BLEEP!] m This one goes out to all the scribbling Wu-Tang-following, Hilfiger-wearing, no-talent toys out there. All the aerosol artists who are sweating their caffeine-laden brains about the legitimacy of their graffiti art. You make me LAUGH. The biggest problem piecing here is a fucking fine, not a bullet to the head. You pampered candy-ass writers don't even realize the potential this city holds. Fuck Bourque and his petty laws. [BLEEP!] m I don't know if anybody else has noticed this, but in a phone booth at the corner of de Maisonneuve and St-Mathieu every Friday night there is a different mutilated BARBIE DOLL. Mutilated, every week, with a different Bible quote taped to her body. And the next day she's always gone. Who the hell is doing this? I'm sure other people who live downtown have seen it. There's always a knife in her or some type of cord wrapped around her neck. And a Bible quote. Who the hell is doing this? [BLEEP!] f Yeah, I just want to send out props to Isart for doing so well and I hope that very soon they'll be able to pay their employees. Living off tips is not a way to live at all. [BLEEP!] m I know for a fact that you're not going to print this, because she works for the Mirror. But Mireille: she doesn't necessarily speak for the whole city. DJs like Baby Hec Romero are favourites in this town! So in my opinion, you should FLUSH PLUSH. [BLEEP!] m This is about Josh Bezonky's column where he made fun of comic book store owners and comic book collectors in general, saying we all look like JABBA THE HUTT. I think this is totally stupid. We don't look like that and I bet you 90 per cent of the comic book store guys could kick his scrawny ass! [BLEEP!] f Ever notice how just about any guy looks really good when you stick him in a decent uniform? [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum.