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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: The first ever EXTRA STUPID EDITION! Plus: The sleek kinkiness of petroleum cream! f You want stupid? Why do you want stupid? Every WEEK you get stupid. All the rants are stupid. They're stupid, stupid, stupid. And now you're asking for rants that are even MORE stupid? Why?! It's STUPID. It's all very stupid. [BLEEP!] f I have a rant about that Orbitz drink. The other day my friend was on acid and he was having a bad trip because he drank an Orbitz and thought aliens from Mars were coming after him. So if you do acid, don't drink Orbitz! [BLEEP!] m Hi, this is Louie Later from Smash Up Derby. I've been in the hospital for the past three weeks and I'm going crazy 'coz this old lady from across my room keeps screaming out for her son Herb. HERB, HERB! I don't know where this Herb is, could somebody please get HERB? Any Herb, from anywhere? I'm going sick now. [BLEEP!] f Will you please print this rant for me? It's for my ex-boyfriend. I just want him to know that the whole time we were together the SEX was really, really bad and his DICK is really, really small. In fact, just talking about it is causing me to go into hysterics. His dick is so small he couldn't fuck a SQUIRREL. His name is Norm. [BLEEP!] m This is Norm. Has anybody noticed that the new EGG billboard is a pair of woman's butt cheeks just waiting for something? Just thought I'd let everybody know. [BLEEP!] f Okay, this is for the chick who ranted about Bran Van. You don't like Bran Van's music, you just like James's LOOKS. So don't say you're hooked, 'coz you're not. And don't say he's the sexiest thing ever, 'coz he's a HUMAN BEING. I love Bran Van, I've been to their concerts and they rock. But you should have some fucking respect for James and the band, you bitch. [BLEEP!] m Hello, this is Adam of the band DCMC and I just want to say in response to the woman who wants to sleep with James DiSalvio: HE'S MINE. [BLEEP!] f Hi, this is M-o-n-k-i and this is what happened to me today. I was walking down the street when I saw a GOAT eating a couple of herds of CHEESE. And then guess what happened? A van pulled up with five clowns inside and there was a MIRROR inside every one of their eyeballs. I don't know what the hell is going on. [BLEEP!] m Too much. Life sucks. Short dark haul. Travel in a crawl. What do you say to me, grinning man? He's not real, that Peter Pan. Neither is god or Superman. But I go on trudging along. I'm strong. Struggling along. I'm strong. [BLEEP!] m Hello Rant Line. This is WMS. Okay, I've coined a new phrase and you didn't put it in last week. So are you ready? Let's go: "There's a bed around, I don't sleep on a bed of nails." Now if everyone could pass that around, it could be as famous as anything. Okay, thanks. [BLEEP!] m Yeah, I'm calling from NDG, man. St. Ides in full effect in your local dépanneur! Never mind the Bull 40s, keep on drinking St. Ides till you're crawling down the alley. Yo, wot up to LEROY. [BLEEP!] m Hello. My dad must be stopped. He's ZIPLOCKING everything in my house. He keeps ziplocking my stuff. I'm going to ziplock him and put him in a DITCH if he doesn't stop. [BLEEP!] m Thought for the day: don't you hate it when you wake up one morning and everybody hates you? [BLEEP!] m Swish of the whip, the handcuffs get tight, with black leather straps you don't bother to fight/I know you enjoy, even though you scream, the sleek kinkiness of petroleum cream/Now it's my turn to be tortured and beat, but when it's your turn again, I'll bite when I eat/But for the time being, I cannot resist, I won't even bother, let you tighten your grip/Exhausted and tired, we passively rest, and round two begins with a caress of your breast. [BLEEP!] m Yeah, hey. I'm calling 'coz me and my friend are having some controversy over the PICK business. My friend says the pick should be put on top, near the tuners. And I'm saying no, no man, it should be near the bottom, you know, where your hand lays. He goes no. But I'm pretty sure the pick's supposed to be there, 'coz when you sit down and you wanna play it's right next to your fingers. So in that way you can take your pick and put the guitar on your lap in one movement using only one hand, thus saving energy. All right. [BLEEP!] f Our cover girl was out giving head, when her lipstick came off, right on the bed. (second f) It mustn't come off when you're sucking cock, she cried, and we replied (both fs in unison): Marathon, new, by Cover Girl. Get it today. [BLEEP!] Next week: Regular intelligent ranting returns.