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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: shocking promotional scandals, cunning publicity stunts, beautiful sensuous FEET. Plus: angry words from Mr. Swiz! m Hello, this rant is for Club SONA and the people who promote it. I read their publicity for June--it's a smart concept and very slick, except for where it says "Penny loafers won't get you in any faster." What a comment to make about getting in to Sona! True, penny loafers are tasteless, but to publicly announce your shallow door policy is degrading to yourselves. People getting gunned down over SHOES is not funny and your laugh-at-it attitude only promotes the actions. Finally, announcing to the world that you support slave labour in Third World countries by making Nikes and Filas a must to get in at Sona makes others support it also. Very, very bad taste. [BLEEP!] f Doesn't Amanda Marshall realize there are poor children all over the world who don't even have hair? [BLEEP!] m Hello, this rant is to Alain Simard, the president of our Jazz Fest. I'd like to come down on him for having the John Zorn/Masada show changed from the Salle du Gesù to Théâtre St-Denis. Obviously a breakpoint was worked out before, so that enough money would be made to cover the show at a venue with only 400 tickets. So what the hell is going to happen to the rest of the money? And what about the people who bought their tickets to see the show in an intimate venue? Yet another disappointment from our incredibly crappy Jazz Fest. [BLEEP!] m Can't you guys at the Mirror find a jazz critic who doesn't rate every record a 9.5 or 10 out of 10? Who is this Len Dobbin guy anyway? Doesn't he have any sense of critical judgment? The guy can't even give a bad review to a shitty record. [BLEEP!] m I'm [someone claiming to be] a singer from L.A. who's been in Montreal for a little while looking for a band. I read the rant about the music scene sucking in this town. Listen, it doesn't suck--it's NONEXISTENT. I'm going back to L.A. where I belong. You freaks in this town, you can't play and you can't write. Bands like Rail and Pushing Up Crap, it's unbelievable, man. No wonder you guys don't get signed and there are no major acts coming out of this town except for the French guys. They got it together at least a bit--they write pop songs that make sense, none of this THRASH/TRASH/SMASH. People here can barely strum their instruments! I come here, I do my job good, I sing good, I write good, I get GRIEF. What do you want me to do, write shit?! [BLEEP] m This is about that insipid Tricky Woo/Spaceshits feud. Like, can you say PUBLICITY STUNT? I mean those guys are friends, I see them hanging out at the Bifteck all the time. What is going on with people? Can't they sniff out these phonies? Anyhow... how's the purée, baby? [BLEEP!] m Hi, this is Mr. Swiz. I'm a cartoonist and I spent all my weekend [two weeks ago] at Komikaze, which was supposed to be the underground comix event of the year. But it was NOT. Few people came and they bought nothing. The promoters failed to achieve their goal of supporting the comix scene--all they wanted was to make cash out of a scene that was built by Valium, Rick Trembles and the other good cartoonists. That and sell expensive beer to our friends. In a way, it was fortunate that it failed, because maybe next time the cartoonists will do the job themselves rather than with some lousy, ignorant promoter. Anyway, I hope people will buy all the good stuff we made for the event, especially Mr. Swiz # 4. Keep on smoking, boys! [BLEEP!] m What is it with all these POLYESTER PANTS BABES going down the street? Montreal: beautiful women, ugly shoes, even uglier pants. Hey, I survived the '70s, what's with this polyester shit happening again? It's like the antichrist has come back and is living in Montreal, making pants somewhere on St-Urbain street. [BLEEP!] m Yeah, I just want to comment on the recent rants concerning platforms and high-heeled shoes. I think they're absolutely fantastic, there's nothing better than seeing a gorgeous woman with beautiful FEET in those high-heeled shoes. Oh man, that makes me really, really HOT. Feet are super sensual, feet are incredibly sexy and beautiful and if you have them you might as well FLAUNT them. On a totally unrelated topic, for the fellow who ranted about the whole goat cheese scene, perhaps you should try some new name brands such as Civella or Castello. Thank you. [BLEEP!] m I'm calling to address the Greek loser who had no clue about goat cheese himself. Everyone knows that the FRENCH make the best goat cheese and the only place you can buy it is in France from an old smelly guy. So that caller can take his feta and, well, he knows what he can do with it. [BLEEP!] Next week: Welcome back SLAVES ON DOPE!