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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: The masquerade scene, the cheese scene, the white sock scene, the high-heeled shoe scene. Plus: The blue-shirted boys of Babylon, seen! m Yeeeeeeaaaah. The local hip hop showcase, Wreck Shop at Club Kali last week, was going down real cool. It had a nice underground vibe, no tension at all, the local groups were real phat. That is until BLUE-SHIRTED representatives of BABYLON showed up. At regular half-hour intervals Montreal's finest pretty much harassed and intimidated everyone until there were only a few people left. And then when they finally shut it down, they were incredibly rough for absolutely no reason. So on behalf of my friends and hopefully the whole hip hop community, I'm calling to express my disappointment at the MUC police. Here they are once again doing something they are known for. If their goal is to instill fear in the community, well they've done it, but I'd like them to know that fear and respect are two different things. Keep your heads up. [BLEEP!] m Good day. I'd just like to congratulate the RCMP on the fine job they've done. 16,000 pounds of hash. Hmmmm. Remember they last time they did a big hash bust, about 10 years ago? The streets got saturated with cocaine and everyone become a cocaine addict instead. Maybe this time it'll be heroin. Keep up the good work, boys. [BLEEP!] m What's up, babies? Just called to dis the chick who complained about the high-heeled shoes on all those skinny 90-pound girls. Well, what do you weigh, 400 pounds? Can't balance yourself on those six-inch heels? I think it looks awesome, man, those skinny little legs leading up to those perky little asses. You must be some sort of bitch to complain about that sort of fashion. Later. [BLEEP!] f To the individual who ranted about platform shoes. Honey, I think you should be more worried about those WEENIE men who pretend that they're six feet tall when they're really 5'9". Besides, these girls just want to be like us. [BLEEP!] f Long legs are lovely. Long-winded retorts on the honourable aesthetics of platform shoes shouldn't be made by those who can't put them on without hitting the light fixtures. Sister, you are way above average height, so you should stick to what you know--basketball playing perhaps. Disgruntled Amazons need not respond. [BLEEP!] m I'm calling to rant about the Rant Line. You won't print an articulate and sincere rant about the hip hop community, but you will print stupid rants from stupid girls who won't go out with guys because they wear WHITE SOCKS. Materialistic, superficial, shallow girls who wouldn't go out with a guy--even if he has a built chest and a nice ass--based on his socks. Socks! SOCKS! True, I am a proud wearer of white socks, but clothing is just fibre draped over the flesh. Yo, man, you got some serious problems over there at the Rant Line. [BLEEP!] f Hi, this is a local VAMPIRE who shall remain anonymous. I just want to rant about the so-called GAME at the University of Montreal every Friday. Man, you guys really suck. A few years ago the Game kicked some serious ass, but now there are about 30 or 40 people, most of whom are so hung up on it that it's all they talk about. And the same old players keep getting the same old breaks, 'coz they're best friends with the Game Masters. As for the rest of us, and we know who we are, I've taken the liberty of game shopping and I highly recommend the francophone game held Monday nights at La Rapproche. And if you're not French, Toronto has a kick-ass MASQUERADE scene and if it's a little out of reach, Ottawa is playing games to fit almost anyone's taste. In short, Montreal's Third Universe game has become a gathering of insecure, 20-something LOSERS. [BLEEP!] m This is for all those people saying bad things about the Il Bolero girls. Personally, I think ALL the Il Bolero girls are really hot and I would sleep with all of them--or all of them at once. That would be a personal fantasy of mine. And now for an excerpt from The Flintstones... [voice of Fred Flintstone is heard in the background] [BLEEP!] m What about goat cheese? I am terribly dissatisfied with the whole goat cheese scene. In fact, the whole state of cheese in Montreal SUCKS--there's absolutely no process of fermentation. Okay, the Gouda sorta rocks and the mozzarella's not too bad, but the feta and the goat cheese are totally lacking... [BLEEP!] m [same guy, many nonsensical calls later] Tonight, for the last three or four hours, we have been ranting continuously from the same household, completely induced by the absorption of large amounts of RUM into our systems. And what I have to say is that alcohol has proven once again to me and my fellow patriots that no matter what, if you drink enough alcohol, you can accomplish anything. [BLEEP!] Next week: An attempt to get back on topic...