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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: Portuguese marching bands, hers & his fashion tips, Steve Perry, Mr. Bean. Plus: Al South photos now available! f Hi, this is a rant about the Portuguese street festival which took place on the street corner outside of my apartment two weeks ago. I just want to say I don't appreciate having Portuguese folk music and marching bands imposed on me all weekend. I think it's extremely EXCESSIVE. I'm glad you are Portuguese and I am happy you are proud of your heritage, but take it INSIDE somewhere. It's a complete disturbance of the peace. [BLEEP!] m I'm calling to rant about the recent news that the Hip isn't coming to Montreal for Another Roadside Attraction. This causes a very big inconvenience for me, as I am huge Hip fan and will either have to go to Buffalo, Toronto or Vermont. Why aren't the Hip coming? Is it because the French people here don't understand a Canadian folk band like the Hip? C'mon Gord--get the band together and come to Montreal! One exhausted Hip fan calling to cry. [BLEEP!] m Hello Rant Line. Music Lover here. Just want to know what's up with all these new bands and their epileptic-seizure singing styles. You can't tell what they're saying, the way they whine and grind their throats. Why don't people sing anymore? Where are the STEVE PERRYs of today?! [BLEEP!] m This is to RD and anyone complaining about the lack of shows in the hip hop community. On May 30 there's gonna be a phat show called Wreck Shop with 10 groups. It's gonna be Shades of Culture, the Eye Spy crew, Superheroes, Botz Dynasty, Critical Thought, Stratége and some others and there's gonna be a set of break dancers. So if people don't show up there's definitely something wrong with the scene, all right. Wreck Shop at Kali. Peace. [BLEEP!] m Okay, here's a song I wrote about a little reality that hit me the other day. It is sung to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down." [clears throat] "Mr. Bean is Pat Hamou, Pat Hamou, Pat Hamou/Pat Hamou is Mr. Bean, Mr. Bean, Mr. Bean..." [BLEEP!] m Yeah, I don't usually leave messages on the Rant Line, but I just wanted to tell Alex of the Sugar Daddies one thing: girls shouldn't go after guys just because they're in a group, EVER. Because most of the guys in groups, famous or not famous, are UGLY. One more thing: I've been going to the VISA bar on St-Laurent every Saturday for four weeks now and it is the best techno/industrial/gothic night in Montreal. [BLEEP!] f Hi, I just wanted to mention how much I absolutely hate all these new high-heeled SHOES that the girls are wearing. They look ridiculous! Personally, I am 6'1" and it looks so fake to see these huge platform heels on these 90-pound girls. I think everyone in Montreal should just toss 'em, 'coz you don't know how stupid you really look. If you're NOT TALL, stay on the ground where you belong. [BLEEP!] f I think it's high time we do something about floods--as in PANTS. Do you know how unattractive they are? Picture this: a gorgeous babe comes up to you, he has beautiful eyes, a built chest and a nice ass. Then you look down at his feet and see his flashy white socks. UGHHH! Oh, and another thing, guys--jogging pants don't make you look very desirable. Hint, hint Andrew! [BLEEP!] m Yo, you gotta print this rant, because there's a beautiful lady out there and her feelings have been hurt. Anyone who called and dissed the new Il Bolero girl is on CRACK COCAINE, unless the old girl is his sister or something. The new girl is an angel, plus she's HOT. I'd say who I am but I've got a girlfriend. [BLEEP!] m I'm calling to congratulate--of all places--the Peel Pub on their new selection of DJs. They've hired two new DJs, both of whom used to be at Soundgarden. Carl and Mark both play partying tunes all night long--an AMAZING array of tunes. You won't hear "Don't Want No Short Dick Man" played on repeat at Peel like you used to. Yeah. Way to go Peel. [BLEEP!] m Hi, I'm [someone claiming to be] an employee at the Mad Hatter and I'd just like to say that we found homes for all our FISH. They're all safe and sound and we don't keep them here anymore. Thanks for your concern. Bye. [BLEEP!] f Al South gives bad, bad, bad head. Thank you. [BLEEP!] f I was just wondering why there was no picture of Al South for his column the Rant Line. A lot of other columns have pictures, I'm really curious to know what he looks like. So I was wondering if you could possibly put one in there. Thanks, bye. [BLEEP!] [Ed's note: autographed photos of Al South are available on demand. Simply send $5 to Al South, c/o the Mirror. For photos of Al South giving bad head, please add an extra $5]. Next week: Open forum.