Got an opinion on the local music scene? We want to hear from you! Call or fax 271-RANT (7268) or RantonLine.

"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: Big Bob weighs in on fat phobia, DJ Emma talks about his ego, DJ Gnat shares his last words. Plus: CHRONIC complaints about the Spice Girls! f Hi, I just found out about Doc, the bouncer at Clique who got killed. I don't know what's happening to the black community--I'm tired of us killing each other. I'm even scared when I'm in the Metro when I'm around black people--and I'm BLACK. I just want to say to the person who killed him, I hope you get yours. [BLEEP!] m This is Big Bob, famous bouncer and all-around good guy. This is for Meagan. Honey, don't sweat the skinny people, they all want to be like us anyway. Skinny people want to be FAT. Why else would they wear phat pants, extra large T-shirts and jackets that make them look like they weigh 300 pounds? People who judge you by the size of your body are just shallow and not worth knowing. Be PROUD. I'm over 260 pounds and if people don't like me, that's too bad. And remember, there's MORE of us to love. Finally, fat people UNITE--you have nothing to lose but your skinny-ass friends. Bye bye. [BLEEP!] m Hi, this is [purportedly] DJ Gnat speaking for what will hopefully be a final rant. Thanks to everyone for defending my ALLEGED anti-drug stance. Let me clear the record. I am not anti-drug anymore than I am, say, pro-food. Drugs are drugs, food is food, they play different roles in different contexts and I couldn't care less who is ingesting what. I do care, however, about my personal safety. Montreal is a rough town and all of this drug talk could earn me a new home in the CEMETERY. So if everyone could please cease talking about drugs with regards to myself, I'd greatly appreciate it. [BLEEP!] m Yeah, listen, I was at this Battle of the Bands at the Spectrum and it was really bad. Usually a Battle of the Bands is supposed to focus on originality and talent, but these were all COVER bands. Then I found out that the winner, Rubberman, was the guy who organized the show! That's pretty sad if you ask me--to go up against a bunch of cover bands in your own contest and WIN. This whole competition thing sucks, but if you're going to do it, do it right. [BLEEP!] m Look, the Jailhouse is a cool bar, it's one of the only places where bands don't have to pay to play. And now I see people are badmouthing it--why SMACK the gift horse in the mouth? I'm pleading, 'coz you know I got a show coming up there and I don't want people not to come because of a stupid rant. So c'mon, do something about it! [BLEEP!] m Yes, I want to rant about clubs like Home, who make us dance all night and then close the cold water taps in the bathroom so we can't fill our bottles. I can dance until three, no problem. I can spend a few bucks, no problem. But what if booze isn't my thing--getting boozed up to BOOGIE just doesn't sound right to me. Now, should I buy 10+ bottles of water per night?! Face it, the days of people snorting coke and drinking their health away are OVER. [Ed: Thank god]. I know other clubs used to make big profits off that, but it's finished. It's other times, other trips. [BLEEP!] FAXRANT Okay, let's end this once and for all. This is DJ Emma. Here are my last words on the matter. Eben, when you pack your Wednesdays, then you can talk! Why bring other DJs into this? This is between me and SKULL PRODUKT. Just because you're a bouncer for Skull does not mean you have to always defend him--let him stand up for himself. Finally, yes I have an EGO. That's my concern, not yours. And to answer your question: I am God... BOY! I think the goth-industrial community should try to work together, but if you would rather have DJ WARS... so be it! [BLEEP!] m Here's some information for you, AL SOUTH, seeing as how you're such an IDIOT. I thought you'd like to know that the Spice Girls have just broken the record for British groups, with four number-one debut songs in a row. Seeing as how you're such a RETARD, I figured I'd spell it out for you: if you're going to print rants where people bitch about bands, make sure the bands SUCK. I'm not even saying the Spice Girls are that good, but at least they're doing a hell of a lot more than you are, you STUPID FAGGOT. [BLEEP!] f [seconds later] Al, let's face it, if you had the Spice Girls NAKED in your living room, there's no way you would say no. In fact, you probably JERK OFF with the image of the Spice Girls in your head. So don't give me no shit. Quebec likes 'em, so does the States and the United Kingdom. So don't say you don't, 'coz I know you do!! [Ed: Whoa, I think you must be mixing me up with someone else--my feelings about the Spice Girls are nowhere near that CHRONIC. Furthermore, my favourite is Mel B. Hope this clears up the confusion.] Next week: Open forum