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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: bad beer, bad drugs, bad sound--SPECIAL CLUBLAND EDITION. Plus: Bezonsky bills der Bingle wrongly! FAXRANT If you're going to include rants about clubs in Montreal, it would only be fair that the DJs who pack the clubs also have their views expressed. This is EMMA, the head DJ at Sphinx. No, this is not some imposter. Trust me, when you read the rest of this rant, you will be convinced of my identity. I am known to be a BITCH, not with my crowd but with anybody else. I've been reading rants about Sphinx for months and now it's my turn to speak out. I am one of the few remaining crowd DJs in Montreal--I read my crowd and give them what they want. They wanted an industrial goth night and they got it: NOIR. But I am starting to get pissed off at bars that can't survive on their own merits ripping off my ideas. New Wave is my first baby and it works fucking well--I reinvent the night constantly so as not to be redundant. Most DJs are stuck in their rut. As for Skull Product calling his Sunday night the Pharaoh's Tomb--how much of a loser can one possibly be! Get a life! To all the losers who think they can bring me down: it's been tried before. It doesn't work, kiddies. Don't play in the big leagues if you can't handle it. [BLEEP!] m I'm an industrialite and I'm concerned about Mephisto reopening, because when they reopened last time I was one of the ones who was loyal and went there and got really sick because of the BAD BEER--we all know they lost their liquor license because of the beer. If that's gonna happen again, I'll go somewhere else. [BLEEP!] m Yeah, I'd like to rant about the Jailhouse Rock. I think it's a cool club, great place to see shows, blah blah blah. But the soundman has to go--the sound sucks. He insists on putting everything so loud that you can't even hear the band, all you hear is noise. Somebody should talk to him 'coz the last time I was there to see groups I had to leave. [BLEEP!] m This is for this guy Hans who I ran into at the Erotica party on Tuesday at Groove Society. Well, when I came back from the bar I found him MOLESTING my fiancée. Then he grabbed her WHIP and wanted to beat her with it! Now I don't care who you think you are, you don't touch without asking, and if you're told to go away, you go away. If I see you again, I'm going to BREAK both your LEGS. [BLEEP!] m I'm calling to respond to the complete idiot who knows absolutely nothing about the rave scene but went on to say that DJ Gnat is a nerd who disses drug abuse. He obviously doesn't know DJ Gnat. I'm a personal friend of his, and I assure you he has the underlying philosophical themes that come together and make him a good DJ and a knowledgeable musician. And the fact that he doesn't do drugs IS something he should be PROUD of. [BLEEP!] m I hope this will be the final word on what has proved to be a very tired subject. First of all, only consider yourself qualified to drop SCIENCE about the Montreal rave scene if you were with us as at H2O or Solstice. Secondly, dissing people like DJ Gnat and DJ Tiga, who have done nothing but support the scene from the get go, is just completely wrong. And thirdly, calling crystal meth STRAW is only masking what it really is--a super-disgusting drug that has no place in the scene today. Peace. [BLEEP!] f With regards to the Montreal nightclub scene--I'm sick and tired of Club Sona with its sexist flyers sprawled with NAKED CHICKS. [BLEEP!] m Yeah, I just wanted to say that the place called P-Sig is a really good place to see great original music coming from Montreal. Of course I can't say the real name. I'm calling it the P-Sig, I think a lot of people know it's not really called the P-Sig. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!] m This is in regard to Josh Bezonsky's review of Bing Crosby's CD Love Songs. BING CROSBY is that curly long-haired fellow who played with Stills, Nash and Young. BILL COSBY is the man who played the comical parent Clifford Huxtable on the Cosby show. It seems unlikely that Bing would ever do a duet with Felicia Rashad. I'd just thought I'd point that out. [BLEEP!] m If YAWP! is the best thing about the Montreal music scene, then we are in TROUBLE. Basically, YAWP! is bad poets reading their bad poetry badly. They're all amateurs--it's very rare to find someone with enough talent and diction to write and read poetry. BTW, I can't write or read poetry. [BLEEP!] f I want to lick Andrew Sweeny. [second f] I want to lick Andrew Sweeny. [in unison] Everyone wants to lick Andrew Sweeny. [BLEEP!] m Hey, what's all this talk about a GLASS EYE? What's the commotion? I have a glass eye--what's the big deal? [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum

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