Maple leaf madness

Jeff Pearce talks beaver pride in Canada vs United States: How Canada Is so Much Better Than America

by ROXANE HUDON

Patriotism is a frightening thing, best used as an excuse to wear a flag as a cape, get drunk and yell stuff. Canadian patriots are an uncertain bunch who will try to convince you that we have awesome beer (Moosehead??) and that Bryan Adams is cool. Rest easy, you crazy Canucks! Author Jeff Pearce wants you to stand proud and defend your noble Canadian identity, especially against those mean Americans who make fun of you for being so awesome and Canadian.

Pearce introduces his book as a response to Americans who think they live in the best country in the world. He compares everything from our quality of life and history to our sports and military, using sometimes amusing but mostly vague and questionable arguments to demonstrate that Canadians are better.

It starts out with the harmless statement that Canadians have way more sex. We also supposedly have less chlamydia, more vasectomies and spend an average of 37 minutes on foreplay. He then claims that we’re also gayer and rounds up the quality of life section with some stats about our socialist health care.

The business section is where you start to want to throw the book at the wall, with Pearce referring to Maclean’s national editor Andrew Coyne to argue that our banking system works better. Coyne’s father may have been the governor of our central bank, but Coyne is also the guy who published an article calling G20 protesters “thugs.” His name makes me cringe and I skimmed through this part with a bad taste in my mouth.

Pearce follows up with Canada’s favourite thing in the world: multiculturalism! Throwing some stats about us being more tolerant, he also adds that we travel more, with Mexico and Cuba as two of our top destinations (free rum and cokes, anyone? Salsa lessons on the beach?). Environmentally, Pearce mentions that yes, the Alberta tar sands are pretty bad, but the United States have coal-fired power plants and that’s just worse.

The history part is where it gets really annoying, with Pearce stating that “ignorant teachers” have been missing out on important Canadian moments. He then basically disregards the First Nations and the French (allo, tabarnak!), choosing to focus on a few “badass” British soldiers and listing all the horrible things Americans have done abroad (Nicaragua, Chile, Iraq and all that fun stuff). Pearce reserves a few pages to remind us that we’ve done some bad stuff too, but that even if we fucked up in Sudan, we have soldiers there now, so it’s okay. Supposedly, we came close to acquiring a Caribbean island as a colony, but never did, so we don’t share the same colonial past as other countries. What’s that, Mohawks?

Mentioning that Quebec is part of Canada a few times, Pearce surprisingly almost forgets about it in the culture section. If you want to boast about our culture, how about praising our two languages? He does mention Denys Arcand’s Le Déclin de l’Empire Américain, but only to make fun of it after by saying that it was only considered deep because it was in French. He describes Shania Twain as “our own country music babe,” but Céline Dion as “scary.” I think I see a pattern here. He writes that our film industry could use some improvement, while ignoring all the films that are made in Quebec every year. Sorry, Rémy Girard!

So, what’s the point? In the end, after reminding us that we invented basketball, Pearce admits that he’s kinda joking and has no university degree. He concludes that Americans aren’t that bad and that we are all humans who should get along. So, really, what have we learnt here? How about if you get stuck in a conversation with someone comparing Americans with Canadians, instead of bringing up any silly arguments, just yell out a nice, friendly “Mange d’la marde!”

CANADA VS UNITED STATES: HOW
CANADA IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN
AMERICA BY JEFF PEARCE, FOLKLORE
PUBLISHING, SC, 279 PP., $18.95