How do you solve a
problem like Maria’s?

Dear Sasha, I’m in love with impossible people. I always find myself chasing the people who aren’t interested. I think I’ve missed a lot of good relationships and hurt a lot of good people because of this. I had a girlfriend who was really loving but I lost interest and started obsessing over this guy who was clearly unavailable. It destroyed her, not only because I wanted to be with a man (how could she compete with that?), but also because I just started to be a real bitch. Nothing she did was ever good enough, and eventually I dumped her. I broke her heart. And here I am, single and still chasing after the difficult ones. As soon as they’re interested, I lose interest, but mostly they just stay dysfunctional and disinterested, or they push and pull. And I keep on chasing.

I can’t tell you how much of my day’s energy is spent grabbing onto these slippery ideals, but it’s a lot. I don’t know how to change it. I’m aroused by the wanting. I guess I need tension in my life. Is there any way I can change? Be healthier maybe?

 —Maria

Dear Maria,

All people are impossible. Whether it’s because they are unattainable, overly attainable, clingy, distant, loving or spiteful, they are just fucking impossible. And that includes you, my dear. Intimate life with other human beings is a never-ending compromise smattered with rationalizations and dashed dreams. As Woody Allen says in his film, Love and Death, “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.”

What does all this exhausting double talk mean? This is how I see it: the way we choose to love is often directly related to the kind of suffering we can handle. We construct different paradigms of loving to accommodate our limits of suffering, not the other way around. For you, boredom is a brand of suffering you
cannot handle. And sister, I am there with you. Come on over, let’s watch some Bette Davis films.

Dear Sasha, I’m a young woman in search of resources. My friend and I have decided to organize a foursome party and we’ve each invited our own close friend. So in all we are two men, two ladies. We wanted to research some positions beforehand so that the action has more flow and we’re not sitting there trying to think of what to do next. We did some Googling and we didn’t find many good foursome positions! There was a lot of the same thing, two couples mirroring each other. We want everyone involved in the action! It’s really a group activity that we’re aiming for, rather than a voyeur party. Can you suggest any good resources that give suggestions on foursome positions and play?

 —Foursome Party Planner

Dear Foursome,

Listen babe, I don’t know if you’ve ever had group sex before but I can assure you that planning your moves in advance is kind of like getting Merce Cunningham to choreograph a mosh pit. I wouldn’t get too fixated on positions and routines and whatnot. Sure, you say you don’t want it to be a voyeur party, but I think, when there are two people having sex three inches from your face, you might just change your mind a little bit because that is some powerful shit. Just make sure you have plenty of lube, condoms, gloves and dams, and trust me, the moves will take care of themselves.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM