Building a better Cup

by RAF KATIGBAK

Now that the bulk of the G20 shenanigans are over (you call that a riot, Toronto?!), I can finally get back to what I’ve been busy doing for the last few weeks: hating soccer with every ounce of my being. Seriously, I don’t know why that sport makes me so mad. Oh wait, yes I do: it’s the rampant nationalism and the literal flag waving and horn (vuvuzela) blowing, not to mention how distracting the fans can be when all you want to do is have a peaceful stroll down with street without guys in Honduras flag-capes screaming in your face.

But it’s not just the super-fans that get my manties in a bunch. The sport itself is just kinda, well, boring. In fact, with the exception of Major League baseball—which I still hold as the most inexplicable use of broadcast bandwidth since Cop Rock—watching soccer just feels like a chore. You just sit there and wait and wait and wait, and seeing the players from that longshot aerial view has all the thrill of watching an ant farm, without the added bonus of being able to grab the pitch and shake the shit out of it, ruining their day and feeling like God.

Don’t get me wrong, playing soccer is fun: any chance I get to be outside, running around and sliding into people’s ankles with spiked shoes is a good time for me, but without the booze and excitement of mob mentality that the World Cup adds, I just don’t get why it’s the most watched sport in the world. I mean, I’m sure if you get enough passionate, drunk people together, any activity is fun to watch. I bet I’d feel the same nail-biting electricity at an International Pog Tournament or a Farmville championship. Oh my God! England just got a yellow ribbon for displaying five sections of fence! Germany found a golden chicken! Riot!!

Of course, I must admit, watching anything in HD is pretty awesome and the dramatic slow-mo replays remind me of those old NFL films from back in the day. But most of the replays are just guys scratching their faces off for missing a cross in front of the net. I understand their frustration—again, you wait and wait and wait and bam, nothing happens. Then the goalkeeper kicks the ball one way, and someone on the other side kicks it all the way back. Riveting.

Not to mention how crappy it feels when a ref makes a bad call. When a goal that clearly crosses the line is not allowed or a guy who isn’t even near another player when that player stumbles gets a red card. It just spoils the whole game to know that in a sport that hinges on momentum and spirit, one team doesn’t get a fair shake. In my mind, this is a clear case for introducing video replays. Seriously, is it so hard? It wouldn’t cost that much. I have a TiVo, they can just call me. I’d do it for free.

I suppose some might argue that this sort of human error is part of the sport. That it adds more drama and more to talk about at the end of the day. Perhaps these same people would say that it’s a slippery slope: what’s next after video replays: Robot referees? And to that I say: great idea! Now robot referees would be awesome to watch. Especially if they were half-human, half-spider cyborgs, and during lulls in the game, maybe they could try to eat one of the players. Perhaps this is just the kind of technological advancement that the sport needs to bring it into the 21st century. We need to introduce some more exciting elements to the game. Maybe we need to play with the rules a bit. How about for the last two minutes we add an extra ball? And maybe one of them can be explosive? How entertaining would it be if, instead of giving people a red card and throwing them out of a game for committing a foul, they would be made to ingest Viagra and be forced to play the rest of the game with a raging boner? Heck, let’s just give them all Viagra and just watch all that close contact disappear. The possibilities are endless. FIFA has the potential to turn soccer into the ultimate sport. If only they’d take the time to look at those e-mails I’ve been sending. Who knows, perhaps Brazil 2014 will see a new and better World Cup and the debut of the sport of the future: Super Spider-Cyborg Bonerball.