THIS WEEK: Bogus, brazen bike theft,
banana hair strings!

PLUS: Pretty girls in Mile End have been replaced
by suits with laptops, Gino claims!!

M Hey, this is Jake, lead singer and guitarist for the band BOGUS. I just want to give a shout-out and a thank you to whoever mentioned us last week on the Rant Line™. I don’t know if you meant it in a GOOD or a BAD way, but either way, any press is good press so thanks a lot, bud. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™, I have a few questions: why do SOCCER players actually cry for-real big wet real tears every time another player touches them? And why does soccer suck big dick and juggle balls in its mouth? Why do all the players have ponytails? Why do they walk so funny? Why, Rant Line™, why? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is Ed. This goes out to the douchebag that stole my SEAT, my FENDER and my SEAT POST from right out in front of my work, Metro Beaconsfield. If I find that fucker—who was on the CAMERA—his face is going to look like the pavement. Okay? I know what the kid looks like—he’s riding a piece of shit read and silver Supercycle. Look out, buddy, I’m coming after you. I hope you sleep well tonight because after I find you, you’re going to have a hard time fucking pedalling a bike with your arms. Good night. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so Plateau Mont-Royal in their infinite wisdom take away my green box and tell me that I have to use these big clear see-through plastic bags to put my recycling in. The whole WORLD has declared war on plastic bags, but not the good old Ville de Montréal. [BLEEP!]

M To the 19-year-old girl living at home—I don’t know what’s worse. Your parents GROUNDING you or the fact that you’re 19 and living at your parents’ house still and acting like a baby. Be an adult and get your own place! You live under their roof, it’s their rules. That’s how it’s been forever. When you get kids or you get a house, it’s your house, your rules. If people don’t respect it, they’re out, man. They’re putting up with your shit at 19, you’re fucking unemployed or whatever, lazy ass that can’t get a house and get out, well, that’s your problem. Get a life, get out, get married. Your parents have every RIGHT to ground you at 19 if you’re still living in their house. [BLEEP!]

M I’m on HEROIN right now but I’ve got a big rant to rant against Double Pizza. I’ve never seen a single woman behind their counter. I think that’s really whack. Women are hotter than those middle-aged goddamn Iranian guys who never smile at you. Where’s my rig, man? [BLEEP!]

M Yo yo yo, I’m just calling to say ever since I got to Montreal from LEBANON, I’ve been reading the Mirror. It’s been five years now and I just realized with how much RESPECT I treat my Mirror. Today someone in the office took my Mirror without telling me and I lost it when I saw how he was treating it. Yo, you better treat my Mirror with respect and all you readers out there, I just hope you treat your Mirror with as much respect as possible. This newspaper rocks. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this rant’s going out to the MUC police for their wonderful use of racial profiling. Basically, I’m standing on my balcony out front here in Mile End, two o’clock in the morning, and I hear SCREAMING coming from the corner. And I see this guy swinging around a bicycle chain attacking this woman about 50-years-old. So I don’t waste any fucking time, I call 911 and within the first 15 seconds, this cop asks me over the dispatch line, “Is the guy BLACK?” And this incident is happening in the DARK at least 160 feet away from me. I can’t see what colour this guy’s skin is! I just tell her “This guy’s swinging a bicycle chain, he’s attacking this woman, like come on down, send some cop cars down because otherwise it’s getting pretty ugly.” So they sent three cars and they were all filled with WOMEN OFFICERS who calmed the guy down quite a bit. And a big shout-out going to my neighbourhood, where not one single fucking person stuck their nose out their door to see why the screaming was going on. Yeah, that’s SOLIDARITY for you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is fuckin’ Gino, I live in Mile End, I just want to ask what the hell happened to all the PRETTY GIRLS who used to live here, you know, those fuckin’ hipster girls? Now it’s been replaced by fuckin’ SUITS running around with their laptops and shit. What the fuck, man? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just saw an old friend who I haven’t seen for eight years on the corner of Parc and St-Joseph. I called out his name, he turned and saw me and he said my name, then he turned around and he walked away. And I just wanted to say fuck you, man, fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is a rant and a survey as well. I just wanted to know if anybody else is disgusted by the little BANANA HAIR STRINGS? Like, when you throw out your banana, there’s always little remainders of the peel that are still on the banana. I see people eating bananas without even caring. It makes me want to just barf! I always have to make sure there’s no little hair, weird-y, texture-y things around the banana—and then I can eat it. But other people don’t do that. So does anybody else get really freaked out? Am I weird? [BLEEP!]

M You know what? If you’re comfortable in those really tight skinny pants, it’s because you have a VAGINA. [BLEEP!]

Ed’s note: The Rant Line™ now begins its annual summer hiatus. We apologize in advance for the inconvenience. Next edition: July 29.

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