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Dear Sasha, I’m a guy in his mid-20s who’s never gotten laid, and never seriously pursued it either. I wanted to “invest” in a real moment with someone special. That’s still true, but I’m also eager to finally just get down with someone. After all this time, I think I’d be going in with a lot of expectations. Even if I just had a random fling, I’d risk walking away feeling stupid, having built it up for so long or given up on the idea that I deserved to be with someone I knew was really “invested” in me.
So my question is this: we always hear about how important it is for girls to wait—don’t some guys also take their time before hopping into the sack? Is it just as normal for a guy to wait until he’s got a handle on who he is before getting it on?
—Man Still Waiting
Dear Man,
Here’s just one of the many things I find curious about virginity: it is one of the few states of naivety that precedes a pleasurable, vital activity wherein we feel our first attempt out of it will set the official and incontrovertible tone for our lifelong relationship to that activity. Somehow, we believe that lack of practice will make perfect, not the other way around. Bizarre, no?
As much as I appreciate the message that one doesn’t have to rush headlong into fucking, I would also like to mention from my own experience that it’s no big deal if you just go over to someone’s house and stare in listless agony at their Jean Harlow poster while they hump you. There will be many moments that mark your sexual journey and your first time—good, bad, glorious, boring, confounding, frightful—does not have to be some flawless, defining moment. Let me tell you, Man, even those of us who heard doves cry on our first ride can tell you that there have been many experiences since that didn’t live up to this. Or did. Then didn’t. Etc. Good lord, as another example of a pleasurable, vital pursuit, look at food. Your first meal comes out of a tit. Do you think you can keep that kind of epicurean excellence up forever? Certainly not, but there are other inspiring ways of enjoying a meal.
Here’s another secret: you will never have a handle on yourself. And just when you think you do, all hell will break lose. You’re going to want to be able to fuck your way through some of these squalls while other times it will be the last thing on your mind. Nevertheless, sex is not something that robs you of self-knowledge, it adds to it.
Dear Sasha, Around a month ago, I started going out with a great guy. My problem is that I can’t make him come with my mouth. He says it’s pleasant but that he’ll never come this way. Now I wonder if I always sucked at sucking. My exes seemed to really like it and, actually, so did I.
I once asked him to guide me as I was doing it and he reluctantly agreed, he sounded so negative and impatient. I didn’t even understand exactly what he meant and it was by far the worst. To make matters worse (yes, worse), he has a long and really thick dick and it’s hard to fit it in without him feeling my teeth. What I’m trying to find out is, what makes for a shitty blowjob? What am I doing wrong?
—I Suck
Dear Suck,
I’m sure your technique was and is absolutely stellar. You seem like a fine communicator, an instinctive lover and you know there are different strokes for different folks. In this case, the issue is not your performance but how your boyfriend is behaving during it. Negative and impatient? Jesus, you’re giving him head, not a urethral swab. He needs a serious attitude adjustment if you are going to do him the distinct favour of putting his cock in your sweet mouth.
Meantime, have you checked out Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide to Fellatio? Good techniques for the bigger fellow and some novel positions.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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