Get me out!

by RAF KATIGBAK

The World Cup, the Francofolies, Mutek… as Montreal begins to gear up for another summer season of communal cultural excitement, I’m gripped with a single overwhelming feeling: I need to get the heck out of here.

Yes, I realize what these types of events do for Montreal’s reputation as a cultural capital, and of course I am grateful for all the business it brings to the city. But I live in the heart of the Quartier des Spectacles which, when I moved in over a decade ago, was formerly referred to as the Quartier des Shitty Run-Down Depanneurs, a Creepy Sex Shop and a Parking Lot Where Crust Punks Parked Their Dog Caravans. Oh, how I wish it had stayed that way.

When people hear that I live downtown, they invariably like to mention how lucky I must feel: “You have an amazing view for all the best acts!” Sure I do. But I also have a front row seat for all the worst ones, a torturous feeling that, until you’re woken up by the sounds of a high school jazz band playing a swing version of “Funky Town,” you might not understand. Just try to imagine your front stoop being invaded by thousands of sweaty, sunburnt tourists for weeks on end, a situation that transforms a normally peaceful, mundane task like popping out to grab some milk into an experience reserved for one of the top circles of Dante’s Inferno.

So, in an effort to keep my sanity intact, I’ve decided to take as many short day-trips outside of Montreal as I can. In making this decision, I realized how clueless I am about all the great stuff available outside our fair city. My only criteria is that it has to be within a few hours’ drive by motorbike from Montreal, and must also feature exactly zero stilt walkers, jazz musicians or blues versions of “Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi.” The only question left is: where should I go?

I guess there’s Granby Zoo. But I’ve been there and, to be honest, I find zoos quite depressing in general. In fact, while zoos claim to be educational and champions of conservation, a recent study has shown that, in fact, zoos do not promote attitude change in visitors. Well, at least the wave pool in their water park is totally epic.

How about Parc Safari, where you can drive among the free roaming wild animals? Well, since I’d be going by motorcycle, the idea of a zebra mistaking my ride for a mate and then mounting me from behind scares the bejeezus out of me. Not because I’m afraid of getting raped by a zebra, but more because I’m afraid that I’d actually be into it. I mean, what if you found out it turned you on to get boinked by a wild animal? How do you deal with that information?

I suppose there’s always the waterslides at Mont St-Sauveur. If I could get over my germophobe fear of public pools and the notion that the sheer number of kids in the park probably means that the slides are actually filled with an inordinate amount of child wizz, that might be an option.

Truth be told, I’m as interested in weird and silly tourist attractions as I am the more common ones, a preference that has taken me to see the World’s Largest Axe in Nackawic, New Brunswick, the Anne Murray Centre in Springhill, Nova Scotia and even the former Räelien compound known as UFOland in Valcourt, Quebec (which rules, btw). I’m excited to find out what strange and wonderful sights exist tucked away in rural Quebec, Ontario and beyond. I’ve heard tell of a strange man in the Maritimes who has filled a school bus full of hand made puppets. I’ve heard of the psychedelically painted house of Chicoutimi outsider artist Arthur Villeneuve. And apparently, there’s a secret underground bunker built out of old school buses two hours north of Toronto.

So now I turn to you, dear readers, to share with me your favourite strange sights, your best secret spots (anyone know any fun waterfalls I can go for a dip in?), your memories of following a strange hand-painted sign and ending up going “WTF?!” at whatever it is you find. What is Quebec’s answer to the taxidermied gopher museum in Alberta or the potato museum of PEI? Heck, it doesn’t have to be weird, just different. Is a corn maze any fun? How about one of those weird parks where they have shitty dinosaur replicas? I need to save myself from the city and I have no idea what to do…