THIS WEEK: Karaoke, Chez Serge,
La Cité, Man Ray!

PLUS: Cooking pot query resolved!!

M Yeah, I’m all about the guy calling out Chix N’ Dix and the whole NDG Little Baby Scene. It would have been cool if he’d meant Gas—the ambient techno producer—but I suppose Squalor and Ghast are also fucking rad options. So yeah. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, this is about the KARAOKE bar on Ste-Catherine. No one should ever go there again because they’ll wait until you’re SUPER DRUNK, kick you out for no reason and then spit in your face. And to the bouncer who spat in my face, suck my ass. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F For the longest time, I thought that Chez Serge was called CHEESE BURG, which I think is pretty appropriate. [BLEEP!]

F One: fuck McGill kids. Two: I’m trying to POOL-HOP on the hottest day of the year. I’m sweating between my fucking tits—I bought a fucking brand new bathing suit for this kind of event and what happens? A bunch of McGill students show up at La Cité pool and they try and steal BOOZE out of the fucking fridge. What happens? Cops. What happens? We jump the fence again. And now we’re back in a bar drinking Car Bombs. Story of my life. Fuck McGill. [BLEEP!]

M Those dickhead graffiti morons, encouraged by the oh-so-hip, oh-so-hood Mirror, who SMEAR their FECES all over the walls of Montreal, are really saying, “We ain’t got no future so you ain’t going to have no present.” [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This is Marc-Boris St-Maurice calling from the Marijuana Foundation. Just wanted to respond to a rant to save people from WASTING their pot. With regards to cooking marijuana, whoever said to put it in a frying pan with honey definitely doesn’t know what they’re talking about. The active ingredient in cannabis is LIPOSOLUBLE, which means it can only be diluted in oil. So if you don’t cook your pot with oil— either butter, milk or anything else—it will not be activated. The best way to cook pot is to take a pot of boiling water, stick in a bunch of butter, stick in a bunch of marijuana and LET IT BOIL for a few hours. Then let the butter float to the top, put it in the fridge, take off the butter, and there you have cannabis butter. You can put it on toast, you can make MUFFINS. Just a public service announcement so you don’t waste your pot. Have a good day. [BLEEP!]

M Stop the presses. This is a public service announcement for that guy who wants to STOP SMOKING POT. Three words that will change your life for the best: portable IOLITE vaporizer. You can get one rather easily from $200 or a little more depending where you get it. And, well, it’s amazing. So hope you will find it and enjoy it which I have no doubt you will. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M To the girl last week who wanted to know why, if Montreal is the city that doesn’t sleep, why does everything close at 3 a.m.—here’s the explanation: We smoke enough weed, we need NAPS as well. [BLEEP!]

F In regards to Montreal being the city that never sleeps. You got it wrong, you fuckwit. The city that never sleeps is New York. Jesus, you’re a waste of breathing space. Why don’t you get a life and look it up on the Internet, dumbass. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F I’m sorry to ruin this for everybody, but this just in: In the Sex and the City 2 movie, she goes through MENOPAUSE. [BLEEP!]

M Regarding the lips on top of Musée d’Art Contemporain: they belong to the mother of the artist Geneviève Cadieux, but they’re based on a photograph of the lips of the famous photographer Lee Miller that was taken by the artist MAN RAY in a well known work by Man Ray called “Les Amoureux.” [BLEEP!]

M Well, Rant Line™, they’ve finally done it. Those pencil-neck, pecker-head geeks at the city planning department for the city of Montreal have finally changed the roads in Côte-des-Neiges into an absolutely unmanageable goat-fuck. Every single turn when I turn is the wrong turn. I left my apartment the other day—I just had to drive to the fucking metro—and I followed the road signs and I ended up in fucking Toronto. The PEYOTE didn’t help much either by the way. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, man, listen, this is a rant about the STCUM and their shitty and fucked-up REPAIR SCHEDULE they’ve got going on in the Plamondon and Côte-Ste-Catherine metros. All right, Côte-Ste-Catherine’s completely fucking closed. You can’t even go there. Now on the Plamondon side, they’re fixing an escalator that goes downstairs. If you’ve been to Plamondon, you know there are about six flights of stairs that go down. Now, I have to go to work every fucking night and go down these stairs every fucking night. You know how hard that is for me—and I’m a young guy. Now can you imagine an older woman? And I see these old ladies going down so carefully and it must take them 20 minutes to get down to the bottom. So anyway STCUM sucks and I’m not Superman so if I see an old lady FALLING, I can’t save them. So it’s all on their ass. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I just came into town and I saw this Rant Line™ stuff. In general, I’m a pretty happy person and so it was hard—I was thinking, what do I have to complain about? I wracked my BRAIN and finally I figured it out—I don’t like the message of this phone. I don’t like how the guy sounds. He’s, like, too ROBOTIC, you know? I think that the guy should be a little bit more, you know, joie-de-vivre, you know what I mean? Okay, that’s cool. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

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