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Dear Sasha, I recently invested in a toy (the Fun Factory Share) that I’m extremely pleased with except for one thing—the head is really pronounced and quite a bit larger than the shaft. Now, I personally quite like this for myself, but I bought it mainly for fucking a particular guy, who, while well acquainted with his ass, is finding the head a challenge.
So what I’m wondering is this: is it possible to modify the head, pare it down, maybe (yikes!) without ruining the toy? I’m loving the experience of having a cock that’s actually connected to me and we’ve had a lot of very hot play with it, but I really, really wanna fuck his ass.
—AJ
Dear AJ,
Put down the sandpaper, scissors, nail clippers or whatever it is you’re holding in your hot little hands and step away from the $120 toy you are about to neuter. We do not compromise the medical grade silicone of expensive sex toys by doing home surgeries on them; we buy new ones, ones that are more simpatico with the holes we are sticking them in.
You have several negotiable options.
“There are maybe eight or nine toys on the market designed for this purpose,” says Cory Silverberg from Come As You Are, meaning ones that can be worn internally while you fuck someone with the other end, harness-free. “Happy Valley makes one, Vixen makes two or three different sizes, as does Tantus.”
And there are actually three different sizes of the Share so maybe you want to look at yours and see if it is, in fact, one of the larger ones.
Silverberg also recommends a nifty and economical piece of technology called the Coupler. This allows you to handpick your dicks and join them together as a harness-free unit. If you have dildos you both like already, then 14 bucks is all you’ll need to satisfy both your needs.
Dear Sasha, I’m a male in his 40s who’s told he’s a good lover. I know I am, but there is one thing that I sorely lack in the female pleasuring department: I can’t seem to make women squirt. I’ve tried, and the only thing I do is give them a burning, peeing sensation. I would like you to point me in the direction of books or videos that teach exactly how to do this properly.
—I Squirt You Not
Dear Squirt,
Here’s my first piece of advice, Squirt: stop labouring under the impression that you can “make” a woman do anything—and let’s put a special sticky note with this caveat on the G-spot. Imagine how it feels for us womenfolk that this hallowed piece of real estate was named after a man (Ernst Gräfenberg). Then, to add injury to insult, we’ve got one intrepid explorer after another poking and prodding around down there so they can add dowsing to their curriculum vulva.
I think because the G-spot has the potential for such spectacular results, people have placed a real premium on claiming it, almost as though they’re drilling for oil. This kind of capitalist approach can really put a lot of stress on both the prospect and the prospector.
This is not to say that becoming skilled in the art of pleasure isn’t a noble pursuit. But your proficiency must be accompanied by a desire to learn from your partners. Women do not conform to certain industry standards when it comes to bodily functioning. You must integrate listening and asking into your list of skills.
Perhaps the women you’ve been with haven’t ejaculated because they can’t. (Some advocates—yes, there are female ejaculation advocates—say that all women can. Women who are tired of hearing this—and tired of being relentlessly jabbed in the bladder—are free to use my response, which is simply to piss on fixated partners.) Or they are unfamiliar with the particulars themselves.
The burning or peeing sensation is not unusual, since you are massaging the paraurethral (“para” meaning alongside, “urethral” meaning related to the urethra) glands. Debate still rages about where this fluid comes from, even though the bladder is the only organ in the direct vicinity large enough to produce so much.
I’m going to give you some resources, Squirt, but remember, they provide a general understanding; discussion is paramount: Watch Nina Hartley’s Guide to G Spot Sex and Deborah Sundahl’s Female Ejaculation for Couples, and read Sundahl’s Female Ejaculation
& the G-Spot ($22.95, Hunter House).
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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