THIS WEEK: Chix N’ Dix, pee, poo, pot-based food!

PLUS: BOM Best Minority #8
begs to differ with ranking!!

M Hey, I would like to fix an error in this year’s BOM. Chix N’ Dix are not the freakiest, the heaviest or the best local act of Montreal. They have no talent, no stage presence. What happened was the guys from Rape Faction’s label, quote-unquote, sent a list online to all their shitty NDG friends saying who to vote for. You want heavy? Go see Squalor or Gas or something. Fucking shit. [BLEEP!]

M This is Chris Barry from the 222’s, I guess, and yeah, it’s true, after much deliberation the 222’s are now indeed THREATENING to do a few gigs this summer, the first couple set for Toronto June 17 and 18 as part of the NXNE festival. That gig we allegedly did at the Playhouse a few weeks ago was more like just a quick rehearsal, given that some of us 222’s haven’t seen a stage in, oh, maybe a few DECADES. We only did four songs that night, 10 minutes total, so I don’t think you can really call that a show or anything. But for sure we’ll be doing at least one real Montreal gig this year, probably in July. Maybe we’ll even do a couple more if enough people care to come out. So that’s it. As the like to say on the Rant Line™, peace, out, man. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Man, what’s up with ANVIL? I mean, the inventors of heavy metal and still no one has heard of them? They never broke up. They’re still together and they still rock harder than my mom’s cock. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™ and ranters, I just want to say thanks for the shout out, this is Paul Ash, I’m the RED-HEADED MUPPET LOVER, whatever I was called, the guy who opened for Doug Stanhope back on May 1. I do shows around town all the time, we’d love to see you guys come out. There’s a Dirty Show happening May 27 at Katacombes, plus I do a weekly show every Tuesday at Bistro L’Etranger, corner University and Ste-Cath. So if you guys want to support dirty comedy or just comedy in general, come check out a show, ’cuz that’s what we need. Not just the guys like Stanhope coming in, and all the big special shows. Some of the local guys here too need a little bit of LOVE and support. [BLEEP!]

M This is about the article on Xavier Dolan from last week. Please stop the CIRCLE JERK. Kidnapper Films’ Who is KK Downey sucked balls, as did Prom Wars and pretty much all other Montreal films produced recently. In comparison, yes, the Dolan film was superb—because it was coherent. That said, you can’t glorify it when your only basis for comparison is crap. J’ai tué ma mère had no character development, a predictable storyline that was only edgy because he was gay. Give me a break. The whole film was underwhelming. Script to acting. However, I’m interested in Dolan’s evolution as a filmmaker because he seems capable. I’m just afraid that all of this glad-handing will only serve to make him comfortable in this mediocrity. Rant done. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. Does anybody know if there are people who make POT-BASED FOOD and then sell portions of it to customers? Because if there are such people, I would like to be a customer. I can’t smoke anymore. My LUNGS cannot take it. On the other hand, I find that my little book of pot recipes is not helping me out too much. The can of milk recipe does not work. I don’t get high. The little peanut butter crackers thing works a little better, but is not that reliable. Meanwhile, I’m just throwing money out the window with the pot. So, please, if there is some kind of pot cooking service, could someone just acknowledge its existence here and then I could perhaps take up other trails to finding the thing itself. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, the lips on top of the Place des Arts building have been there for over 10 years. I don’t know why or where they are from, but they’ve also got some, like, GREEN MOLD on them. So it looks like they’ve got herpes. So, yeah, 10-year old PUFFY LIPS with herpes. Woo hoo. [BLEEP!]

M To the person who can’t understand the lips on the Place des Arts building. Maybe stop spending so much time in Starbucks and start getting a JOB. [BLEEP!]

M I want to know why in Best of Montreal you always put francophone on the BEST MINORITY REPORT, you know? It’s bullshit because it’s not true. It’s half and half, the city’s half and half. And I know way more French people, francophones, who speak English than BLOKES who speak French. So try a little bit harder. I know you guys love to big school out there at McGill and Dawson. Let me laugh, you piece of shit, bitch motherfucker. You should be fucking ashamed of your fucking self, you bitch-ass wigger. For real, man. Best minority, man. Just go outside and leave the MILE END or some shit. Fuck. Motherfucker. This is too much. The best minority, man. Everywhere I go, we speak French, homey boy. What the fuck do you think, bitch ass? Come to MONTREAL NORTH, man. Come everywhere, man, bitch ass motherfucker. You should go to New York or something, bitch ass motherfucker. See you in the street, faggot ass. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I’m calling to let you know how much I hate it when your roommate doesn’t flush his POOP down the TOILET. And then you go to take a PEE and you don’t want to flush and then pee, so you pee on the poop and it feels like you’re touching it. It’s not good. Anyways, that’s what I hate. Peeing on someone’s poop. And toilet paper full of poop. [BLEEP!]

M Just once I would like to sit on my deck in Lasalle and read the newspaper without having to listen to the sound of LAWNMOWERS and LEAF BLOWERS. What gives? [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local music scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).