Dyke to watch out for

Dear Sasha, I’m lesbian in my mid-20s. I’m a graduate student and a feminist, but I still don’t know where else to go for help with this question. I’ve been in a committed and monogamous relationship with my partner for two years and we’ve recently moved in together, though we’ve pretty much both lived in my apartment for over a year now.

The problem is that my partner gets visibly and aggressively angry over what I consider small things. I tend not to show anger and instead hold it in, which I realize may be worse. My partner frequently does things like punch walls or swear, and last year she broke a bowl of mine and threw a chair across the room. I wasn’t in the room at the time and so I was fine.

I’ve tried to see it from her perspective since both of her parents also have short tempers and swearing was common in their household. I, however, always end up feeling very uncomfortable and sometimes even scared by this behaviour. I’ve told this to my partner numerous times and she’s tried to take deep breaths or go for walks to calm down when angry. She feels that by continuously asking her to deal with her anger, I’m nagging her and making her feel like a bad person. She feels that she’s made efforts to improve. While she hasn’t thrown, broken or punched anything in a while, she still gets verbally aggressive easily.

The other night at a concert, I told her that I found a girl near us attractive. She called me “disgusting” and later, while trying to walk past me, she grabbed my shoulder and arm so hard that they bruised and pushed me very aggressively out of the way. I was furious and walked away from her. She apologized over and over again the next day. At first, I tried not to think too much of it, but the next day she was mad at me again over something small. I brought up what had happened the night before and she apologized again. I told her that if she did it again, I would leave her.

I’m still worried. I’ve never been in this situation. If it had happened with a man, I would’ve left immediately, but it’s so hard to see her as a violent person. She loves me and I know she wouldn’t mean to hurt me.

I feel like I’m trapped in a bad dream. How could this happen to me, I’m a feminist! My intellectual self is telling me that there are red flags for abuse but my heart is telling me that I love this woman. I don’t know what to do.

—Lesbian Feminist

Dear Lesbian,

There is only so much screaming followed by scraping a person can do before they have to begin looking deeply into themselves and breaking that pattern.

Your girlfriend seems very easily triggered; not by behaviour of yours that is deliberately or carelessly upsetting and disrespectful, but behaviour she perceives as deliberately or carelessly upsetting and disrespectful.

I generally interpret anger as fear. We all carry this very primal emotion with us but how we manifest it, to ourselves and to others, is what makes it easier to understand and deal with. I’m a big fan of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy these days. I would recommend she see a therapist (psychiatry is covered!) who practises this and maybe pick up the book Mind Over Mood to get herself started.

If she is committed to working things out with you, then she must seek council. You cannot be responsible for always holding her anger and remorse whenever it explodes. A shitburger followed by ice cream is still a shitburger.

Even those of us who are in challenging situations need to learn to control our anger. By changing your reaction, your mood, you can actually get a better foothold. This is the thing that is so gratifying about truly dealing with rage—you are no longer trapped in this cycle of anger and remorse, anger and remorse. Without these two crippling emotions blocking you, you can make strong, clearheaded decisions about what you really want and need.

You also need to take care of yourself because your girlfriend’s behaviour is not cool. At all. The website, safe4all.org has some resources specific to lesbian domestic abuse.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM