THIS WEEK: MGMT, MUTEK, lips, Doug Stanhope!

PLUS: Jungle juice, sluts in
their underwear, All She Said!!

F Listen up, ranters. On Saturday, I was at the music video shoot for the band All She Said. The party was SICK. First off, it was a fucking multi-million dollar mansion right on the lake. Like, 200 people showed up. There was so much beer and JUNGLE JUICE. Sluts were in their underwear and bitches were crowd surfing. Everyone was getting wasted. There was a DJ playing sick music between the shots and the band fucking killed it. And there were fireworks at the end and shit! The band is sick to throw a party like that for their fans. It was awesome. No party for the rest of the fucking summer will beat this one. [BLEEP!]

F Thanks to all the BOOKSMARTS who learned me that Montreal is made on lava. Man, that’s hot. But this goes to the girl who was talking about the 222’s getting back together. I have big news for you. You are a giant douche because you missed their first show! It was April 23, very, very special guests at the Playhouse with Parasite Orchestra, Sex Head and Evil Boys. So before saying that people are douches, why don’t you know your events and your punk rock? [BLEEP!]

M Yo, what the hell is it with all you people not liking MGMT? They’re great music and nobody puts them on their Top 40 list. It’s all Besnard Lakes, Besnard Lakes, Besnard Lakes. It’s like people are scared of music that gets a good backing budget. Okay, so, it’s a major label, but it’s incredible music. Damn you, people. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This isn’t so much a rant as it is an observation. I see the MUTEK International Festival of Digital Creativity and Electronic Music and I look at who it’s featuring and it’s Tim Hecker. Yeah, I saw Tim Hecker in Holland last year in April at the STRP Festival with Aphex Twin, Squarepusher and Luke Vibert. Funny, I don’t see any of those names on the Featuring Guests list. I guess I’m not so excited. [BLEEP!]

M What the fuck? Nobody ranted about DOUG FUCKING STANHOPE? Doug Fucking Stanhope came to town and I didn’t even find out about it until the week of and I couldn’t get an advance ticket so I had to go down to Katacombes and line up outside. We get in there, it’s all hot, we’re trying to get beer and, fuck, I want to see Doug Fucking Stanhope! But there are two other guys on the bill and I’m not looking forward to it. The first guy goes up and there’s no microphone, but he was funny so it was okay. He was, like, some red-headed ginger motherfucker. And then Mike Ward. Can Mike Ward get some new jokes? New jokes that aren’t Doug Stanhope’s, because he did rip on two of Stanhope’s BITS. And then finally Stanhope came on and, man, he was mind-blowing. Everyone should have been there to see it. In fact, I think everyone almost was, because Katacombes was filled to the rafters. It was the funniest show Montreal has ever seen. Fuck, man. Yeah, Just for Laughs should get a clue. [BLEEP!]

M This is to all the boys and girls who go to nightclubs and then they don’t dance around, they walk around, BUMPING into everyone who is dancing on the dancefloor. If you want to walk, you can go on the street. I’m in a club to dance and listen to the music. So get your drink, choose a spot and dance. You know what to do. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M If you’re a guy and you wear skinny jeans, purple shoes and V-NECK T-SHIRTS, this is for you: you look like a prostitute. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the single girl who’s looking for a place to go on Thursdays. It’s called Thirsty Thursdays at Madhatter’s. If you want to have some fun, show up. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the UNDERAGE ASSHAT who got carded at the Peel Pub. Listen, dude, who gives a fuck if you got carded? And, you know what, just to spite you, I hope you get carded at Crobar next time too. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F So I don’t understand what’s with the LIPS on top of the Place des Arts building? Like, why are they there? And what do they stand for? Like, I’m sitting in Starbucks right now and I’m looking up at the lips and I want to burn them down because they drive me insane. Shit. [BLEEP!]

M This one goes out to the Montreal police department. It’s nice to know you can shoot INNOCENT CHILDREN and tase innocent people, but you can’t get a BARKING DOG to shut the fuck up? I’m sick of it. How can you not answer a noisy dog complaint? There are people that work. There are people that need to go to work at night. Anyway, that’s my rant. Please put it on. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the serious biker who is a serious douche. Just because I don’t wear SPANDEX shorts, biking gloves and a helmet doesn’t mean I’m not a serious biker. And just because I like to cruise down the bike path on a nice day doesn’t mean I don’t use my bike as a primary source of transportation either. Do you propose that serious bikers only ride the bike path and the rest of us just ride on the sidewalk? While you’re at it, you fascist, why don’t we make the sidewalk for SERIOUS WALKERS only? If you want to settle this like men, you can meet me Monday morning. I’ll be the guy on the one-speed back pedal, cruising idly on the corner of Fuck You and Suck My Balls. [BLEEP!]

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