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Dear Sasha, I’m in a long-distance relationship with a med student from London, England. I’m a sexually open woman, and he, a mostly straight man. We both have a foot fetish, and also D/s relationship. I’m dominant, but it’s getting difficult to come up with requests that he can carry throughout his day. He’s not here, so I cannot force him to suck my toe, per se. Do you have any ideas on how to incorporate some foot fetishism and D/s into an LDR?
—Foot Domme
Dear Foot,
LDRs, no matter what proclivities are being stoked across prairies, mountains, highways or oceans, require a great deal of creativity and patience. And believe it or not, this is the best thing about them. You are obliged to truly acknowledge and live what every relationship needs to flourish: variety, attention and resourcefulness. Because you can’t just stick it in, you must, with the modern advantage of technology, do things up old school with letters, packages, Skype sex and trip planning. When you always have a lover underfoot, these exciting and creative gestures tend to fall by the wayside for the more obvious ones.
You seem to be implying that your relationship isn’t entirely monogamous nor is your partner heterosexual. If I’m correct in assuming this, then how about sending him off to a bathhouse with strict instructions that he’s not to leave until he’s worshipped a few pairs of feet and provided you with all the details? Open the rules of engagement in this regard. Explore your abilities as an erotic writer, a photographer, a pornographer. Go pick up a coral hanky (the symbol for shrimping in the hanky code universe) and wrap a few enticing Polaroids in it. Make him wear the hanky at work. Send him a pair of shoes you’ve been wearing to suck on.
Acknowledging that the distance is part of the relationship rather than seeing it as space that has to be filled between visits is also a good policy. Be present with your lover in these moments, as present as you would be if you were face-to-face. Just because you can’t touch doesn’t mean you can’t feel.
Dear Sasha, I’m a 43-year-old socially shy, inept, never dated, no girlfriend ever, never had sex, living at home with Mom guy. Should I kill myself? Not a solution, yes, but an ending, definitely. Tired of being a virgin, tired of my inability to “get into the game,” tired of psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, therapists, tired of generic advice and suggestions, tired of trying to feel good about myself, tired of being a joke.
—The Reluctant Virgin
Dear Virgin,
You are not a joke. You are simply one of millions of people struggling with love and intimacy to a radical degree. I personally feel the biggest problem for those of us facing this challenge is the dearth of positive, commonplace information about involuntary celibacy. How do we calmly and without judgment integrate people wrestling with their sexual identities in such a fundamental way into broader sexual culture? The amount of shame attached to this is completely disproportionate on all sides (both from those who are involuntarily celibate and from those who judge them) and leads to stifling and humiliating roadblocks. We have education systems in place for adults to catch up on many important social cues and milestones, so where the hell are our adult sex ed classes? It seems the only “educators” visible in this field are attempting to profit off your shame by attaching anger to it; suggesting you cultivate some mysterious “killer instinct,” as though you’ve been deliberately deprived of sex and now you must treat prospective relationships as quarry rather than a partnership.
I say this with great confidence, Virgin: you can change your life but you must be willing to take it in hand by integrating yourself into sex culture that is affirmative and well-informed, having a vested interest in your health and pleasure and that of your partners. Many sex shops have a variety of workshops. Why not suggest to your local ones that they try some basic adult sex ed? Many sex workers are also great with first timers. Peruse the independents online in your area and look for one who will guide you through some basics.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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