THIS WEEK: Pharoahe Monch, My Dog Popper, P.T. Barnum!

PLUS: Korova vs. Blizzarts!!

M Yo Al South, this is Eric calling here from the OLD PUNK ROCKERS senior citizens’ home. Eric from My Dog Popper is calling to let everybody know—everybody—all you fucking welfare victims, squeegee punks, grungy dudes, feminists, lesbians, gays, veiled niqab-wearing motherfuckers—that My Dog Popper is playing at the Katacombes on Friday, May 7. Tickets are $12 at the door, no advance sales so be there or be fucking square. We’re playing with the Bill Cosby Anarchist Society of America. We’re playing with the original Popper line-up as much as we can because there have been some LEGAL PROBLEMS. No, not legal problems, no, no, that’s not true. Ahem. Anyway, I have to go for one of my enemas now. I’m working on some blood transfusions and some fucking steroids so My Dog Popper at the Katacombe, May 7, 8 pm. There should, like, be some things happening. There’s no fucking guest list. You’re not important enough to get on the guest list. Just come and pay your money and take your lumps. All right? And if anybody’s got a problem with it, come and see me, Eric Popper, all right? Not dead and not living in Toronto. Out. [BLEEP!]

M I’m a Montreal musician and I just went to see a show at les Trois Minots with three bands that were complete shit. I’m tired of friends of band members in bands that suck encouraging the same bands to keep going. They suck. People are just LYING to them. They’re terrible and they keep playing and I’m tired of it. It makes Montreal look bad. [BLEEP!]

M I’m glad that somebody ranted about Emergenza. I’m going to weigh in here with a quote attributed to the oldest of the shyster promoters on the books, or the oldest one with a quote to his name, Mister P.T. Barnum. There’s a SUCKER born every minute and two to take him. Emergenza is a TRAVESTY. The reason it can continue is because bands would rather believe that if someone puts them on the stage then they are going to get famous than actually go out and work and, you know, do the job. [BLEEP!]

M So when I saw that on April 10 at the Corona theatre on Notre-Dame street PHAROAHE MONCH and some band named Slaughterhouse would be playing, I did a backflip and went “What the fuck? Pharoahe Monch is in Montreal?”—never mind at the Corona theatre. That’s an old beautiful theatre. And let me tell you, they should have a hell of a lot more shows there, never mind hip hop shows. It’s fucking sweet down there. And Pharoahe Monch was un-fucking-real! It was his first time in town, he’s got to come to town more often. Pharoahe fuckin’ Monch—ain’t a damn thing changed. [BLEEP!]

M All right, here’s what you do. Take Panic! at the Disco, right? Remove the vagina, all right? Insert in its place a penis and a pair of gigantic balls. Congratulations, you now have WOODHANDS. They’re sick, folks. They’re sick and they’re blowin’ up big time. [BLEEP!]

M I went to the little Café Campus to see the Tallest Man on Earth and it was sold out. I offered the stupid, no, sorry, the WONDERFUL lady $40 cash to see the show even though it was sold out. The little lady said, “No, I’ve already refused 100 people at the door.” I don’t get it. We’re in a place like Montreal, somebody is offering cash to go see somebody who nobody has basically heard of and they’re refusing. I’m offering you cash! In your pocket! Or anything! Just to let me in, two extra people. What, do you think the fire department is going to come and go, “There’s two extra people!” Goddamit. This night is ruined for me. Anyway, giddy-up. [BLEEP!]

F Oh, hello. This rant is for the guy who was saying he was so distraught because a girl with an AFRO was asking him to move out of his seat at Korova. First of all, Korova sucks, so your version of what is great music in Montreal is obviously limited. Secondly, aren’t you supposed to give up your seat to a girl? Isn’t that what you boys go out and do on the weekends? Especially at Korova—you know, just ogle, stare, try to maybe COP A FEEL here and there. And thirdly, people from Montreal do usually think they’re better than dudes like you, because of fucking whiny little rants about moving from your seat. Welcome to the big city, baby boy, you’re going to have a lot worse than that this summer. So I’d just like to end with Korova sucks and come to Blizzarts. Real Montreal spot. Real better music spot. [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant that goes out to all those McGill fuckers that are long-boarding around in their flip flops. Learn how to fucking ride a skateboard before you jump on a long board, fuckers. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the blonde chick at Café-Crème in Westmount. You’re not nearly as hot as you think you are, baby. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, my rant is for the guy who left the last rant about how he saw a girl on the street in a parked car, TEXTING, and she looked really HAPPY and SMILING. I just want to say that you, my man, reaffirm my faith in men. Just the fact that you stopped and you actually noticed that and made your heart flutter and you called in and you Rant Lined™ that shit out, man, makes me just want to be me and pretty in pink and beautiful and dancing. And if you’re lucky, I’ll unravel my lips and SWALLOW you whole with my own pussy. [BLEEP!]

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