THIS WEEK: Mouth guards, mouth jewellery, muff diving!

PLUS: Vagina foot!!

M I had a mild chuckle when I saw Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medicine were playing here. Let me tell you they’re awesome! You better believe I’m bringing my MOUTH GUARD to that show. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to the young lady who propositioned my man last week, the one who was talking about Leonard Cohen and Lou Reed making an album together. You know what? We could really use a WIFE because we’ve got a lot of things to do around the house, particularly some MUFF-DIVING. So I think she should get in touch and keep an eye out for us this summer because, boy, I could keep her really busy. [BLEEP!]

M Leonard Cohen and Lou Reed suck at singing their own songs these days. I don’t see why they would be any better singing one another’s. [BLEEP!]

M [ICP can be heard blaring in background over poor quality sound system] Yo, to the girl asking about the JUGGALOS. We don’t need to be talked about. You don’t have to talk about us. ‘Cuz we do what we do and we know what’s going on, the Juggalo family. So keep your mouth shut, don’t mention us. That’s all you do. All right? [turns up ICP, who are chanting “JUGGALO”] [BLEEP!]

M This is for those fucking turds at BABY DICK RECORDS. Enough with the Bill Cosby Anarchist Faggot Society and your fucking gay Rape Faction. Worst band name ever. Worst band name ever. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Art Matters is a showcase of amazing talent. So what’s with the closing party and these chump DJs who can’t keep their shit from fucking up every 30 seconds, let alone match two beats together using a software program that does it for you? In other cities this shit doesn’t fly, man. You suck. Here’s a tip, hot shot—put your SHIRT back on, go home, get your shit together and try again. Here’s another newsflash: people have been dropping ’80s remixes for 20 fucking years now. Try a little harder. [BLEEP!]

M This is about your new hip hop column Block Clocker. Actually it’s not so much about the column itself as it is about that ad for MOUTH JEWELLERY. Man, how could they take that shit out of the Mirror? That was the best ad I’ve ever seen! Now how am I going to know where to get shine for my pearly whites? I’ll bet the Block Clocker knows where to get some. He looks like he’s hiding a disco ball in his grill. Oh yeah, and what the fuck is that shit on his shoulders? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M The biggest bitch about pre-rolling joints is when you pre-roll a joint of HASH and then you pre-roll a joint of WEED and then you put them in the ashtray and you go get a glass of water and you sit down for two minutes, you look at the television then you look back at the ashtray and you go, “Which fucking joint was which?” Fuck. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Rant Line™. This is to all the friends of mine who are supposed IMMIGRANTS who I told that this winter was going to be an ass-tearing event. It ended up being a really tame winter and I’m kind of pissed off now that it’s coming to a close. I hope that this week punished all my immigrant friends into believing that Montreal actually does have a severe winter. There’s no reason why anyone should escape from the harshness of Quebec’s climate. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know if you can print this but what the hell happened to the HOUR? [BLEEP!]

M In response to the guy who thinks that if a woman gets athlete’s foot, then it can spread to the vagina—personally, I’ve never heard of anything like this happening. But if it did, my question is, would it then be called VAGINA FOOT? [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™, what I want to address right now is how there seems to be a damn DROUGHT in Montreal when it comes to good boys. I’m not going to lie, I like the bad boys, but all they want to do is stick their dicks inside of you. Mind you, I don’t mind a little fun in the sack, but Jesus, you’d think they’d like to settle down at one point and not jump around from girl to girl. Maybe guys are just too simple and girls just too complicated? Or vice versa. Does anyone else here like COTTAGE CHEESE with ketchup? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is Paige speaking. So I woke up this morning with a wallet in my purse and it was from a woman in Greenfield Park and she apparently lost her mind like me at l’Esco last night. But the difference is she’s 40 years old and she was at L’Esco alone and she doesn’t remember why. I think it’s really, really funny and I hope I will be TRASHY also at 40 years old. And, another thing last night, I lost my knife! It’s a knife I got in Austin, Texas for $5 at a pawn shop. The thing is that the guy who bought me that, I was in love with him and he’s in Austin and he has GLASSES and plays music and he’s totally great and spiritual and I really love him. So I want the knife. It’s like my connection to him. I know it seems violent, but please give me back my beloved knife. I really love this knife. It almost saved my life when I got attacked on my birthday. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Friday, March 26 at 7:40 p.m. on the corner of Hutchison and Sherbrooke, there was this girl in a Mercedes, just TEXTING and she looked like the hottest thing ever. She looked so giddy, all happy. So romantic. It was very nice. [BLEEP!]

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