THIS WEEK: Leonard Cohen/Lou Reed,
Besnard Lakes/Barenaked Ladies!

PLUS: Publicity for BCASA and celiac disease!!

M Oh my God, I’ve just had a GREAT idea! I’ve figured out how Leonard Cohen is going to make back his $50-million! Here’s the mash-up: Lou Reed cuts an album with Leonard Cohen’s greatest hits, he does covers. And Leonard Cohen does an album of Lou Reed’s greatest hits. Eh? The POP WORLD would freak! And everybody would buy the records, and they could go off on tour together before they kick the bucket. Oh, they go off on the wild side! [BLEEP!]

M Yes, Rant Line™. Over the past few weeks in all the weekly papers, I’ve noticed there’s always a listing for a band called the Besnard Lakes. Now, I don’t know if they’re any good or not—I don’t know anything about them—but all I know is every time I see Besnard Lakes, I think BARENAKED LADIES. It’s the first thing that comes to my mind. Then, just the other day, I saw there was a listing for Barenaked Ladies and the first thing I thought was it’s the Besnard Lakes! Now I don’t even know what to believe anymore. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the rant left by Mike Hand from the Mission District. Sorry. I looked up your band online and I wanted to let you know that the choruses for “Youth Games” and “So Over You” and “Walking in Memphis” by Cher are all the same. Thanks, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Top five Montreal punk bands, in no particular order: Trigger Effect, Winslow, Prevenge, Chix N’ Dix and the Bill Cosby Anarchist Society of America. Trust me. I’ve been in this scene since I was 14. [BLEEP!]

M All right. Let me describe for you an album. Do you like video games? Do you like Popeye the Sailor Man? Do you like robots? Because if so, the Bill Cosby Anarchist Society of America’s Fuck It Up Hard is insane. I mean, there’s a song about poutine and breakfast BURRITOS. There’s a song called “Double Hitler Violation.” I can’t describe for you. I saw them live at Katacombes and they’re nuts. There’s condoms flying everywhere. People are losing their basses and guitars! They fuck it up hard and they mean it. And that’s all I’ve got to say about the Montreal music scene. [BLEEP!]

F To the girl who was complaining about the Joanna Newsom tickets—you’re such an idiot. They sold out so fast. What did you think? And then they added a second show and they sold out really fast too. But I was lucky. I got to volunteer with Pop Montreal. Ha! So I got to see the show for free. [BLEEP!]

F This is a rant for the guy who’s worried about athlete’s foot in the vagina, related to RUBBER BOOTS specifically. I would like to mention that he noted that the weather was getting pretty sloppy and wet outside. And, yeah, that’s why we wear rubber boots. It’s not because we’re trying to attract you or tell you anything about our vaginas. Rubber boots are a practical way of not getting sloppy and wet athlete’s feet. But you can enjoy whatever shoes you might be wearing and whatever wet and COLD FEET you might be trekking around for the rest of the summer time. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, it’s a double. First off, to the idiots who keep leaving junk mail in my mail box when there’s clearly a sign that says, “No fucking junk mail, please,” fuck off. Quit leaving your shit in my box. Part two, to the pervert queer dudes at the Parc Y. Quit SCOPING FOR DICK and being creepy and weird. I go there to work out not get scoped on by weird perverts. [BLEEP!]

M Why is hardly anyone surprised that the Conservatives got their Conservative politician off on COCAINE charges? Conservatives and cocaine—I mean, that’s an old one. That’s like peanut butter and jam. That’s like fucking pancakes and syrup. That’s like eggs and bacon, man. I’m making eggs and bacon right now, okay? Conservatives and cocaine. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m, like, JIM JOE and I’m totally calling about that guy who said I’m a TOY TAGGER. Like, I’ve never seen his tag—what the fuck does he know? Anyways, I do like finger-painting and Basquiat’s just about my favourite, so it’s pretty much a compliment. I don’t even live in Montreal either so, you know, relax, man. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I am a CELIAC. And not many people know what that is but a lot of people are finding out that they have it. It means that you’re allergic to gluten, which is a protein in wheat. Anyways, wheat is in SOY SAUCE which not a lot of people also know. You know us celiacs want to eat out sometimes but it seems that every bistro in the city feels the need to put soy sauce on its salad. Why the hell are you putting soy sauce on salad is my question? Stop it, for the health of the population. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the person about the FAT-THIGHED WOMEN and the speed skating. I’m a French Canadian man who really digs fat-thighed women and especially those Olympic women who are just beautiful. And I’d like to tell you that before the Olympics, I didn’t believe. Now, I believe. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M To those people upset with newcomers coming into this country and asking that they wear the clothes of this country, as in not wearing a HEADDRESS. Well, I’ve just come from a city where all the women are completely wrapped up. You can’t see their head, all you can see is their eyes and their nose and maybe their ankles. That’s the only thing that you can tell to see if they’re at least a bit attractive. It’s shocking. That city is Montreal in the winter. God bless springtime. [BLEEP!]

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