My inability to properly deal with this issue has resulted in some bad relationship choices in the past. However, I’m newly single and have the opportunity to do better this time around. I could use some advice on how to go about it. When is an appropriate time to broach the subject of psoriasis with a potential partner and what is the best way to approach it? Also, how can I work on becoming more comfortable in my own (severely flawed) skin?
My friend Bernie has eczema all over his body. His skin’s texture and appearance is quite zoomorphic—in a way much more like an elephant’s hide than a human’s. He is also someone who seems to have no trouble attracting interesting and attentive partners. I will modestly include myself in that group but admit that yelling, “Holy fuck! You look like an X-Man!” when I first saw him naked might not have been the most tactful thing. Luckily, he likes comics and was cool with it.
This is what Bernie has to say, “I sometimes marvel that people make so little fuss about it but I also cut people off pretty quick if they make me feel self-conscious. I’m quite capable of beating the shit outta myself, thank you very much. Aren’t we all?”
Though Bernie offers no pat strategies, he does say that your letter reveals some things about your state of mind. “I’ve definitely pulled myself out of the dating pool, ostensibly due to the condition of my skin. But looking back, the condition of my skin has had little to do with how much I got laid. It had everything to do with my state of mind. And if I had a big nose, I’d get bummed and blame it on that. If I had chronic halitosis, I’d find myself depressed and say, ‘Wow, I know I’d be happy if it weren’t for my breath.’ Of course, when you stress, your eczema/psoriasis will get worse too—a nice, self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Though single now, Bernie says he’s fine and happy with it. “Quite literally, the question is: how can I be happy in my own skin? And that’s not limited to those with skin conditions. Myself, I’ve just reached a point where being in a relationship is not a goal I’m chasing. I don’t need anyone to validate the skin I’m in. And to the question of broaching it with potential bedmates: I don’t. They’ll find out. If someone says, ‘Eww…what the fuck?’, not that it’s ever happened, they’d be out on their ass quick-fast!”
“Body image stuff is generally what we let it make of us,” he says. “And how can we expect someone else to enjoy these ‘flawed’ parts of us if we’re making such a big stink about them all the time. If she feels the need to cover up, I understand. But she also needs to let it all hang out. After all, who isn’t jumping at the chance to date a kind, attractive, intelligent woman?”
As Bernie also points out, “There are lots of e-mail lists on the Internerd where folks with skin conditions go to share strategies and commiserate.” Go search out some groups and see if they don’t have some more input for you.
