They live

As you might already know, I’m a bit of a sci-fi/horror nerd. As a kid, I loved going to bookstores to pore over gore and space-themed film magazines while my sisters went off for more Harlequin Romance novels to add to their already vast collection. As they would go about grabbing armfuls of books about secretaries/nurses/handmaidens/lawyers having their blouses/uniforms/bodices/pantsuits ripped off by a darkly handsome man who would maybe one day learn to love them (I never read them, I swear), I would grab a stack of movie magazines with titles like Fangoria and Gorezone from the shelf and plunk myself down to scrutinize pages of special effects and gratuitous blood, imagining myself as a special effects whiz whose job it was to make someone’s head explode. Literally and figuratively.

Of all the subgenres of sci-fi/horror movies, possibly my favourite is the one where aliens secretly walk among us. Whether it’s pod hatchers from Invasion of the Body Snatchers or the mind controlling slugs from The Puppet Masters, I couldn’t get enough of them (maybe I just had a man-crush on Donald Sutherland). But out of all these movies, one particular film stands out: John Carpenter’s 1988 film They Live.

Not just because it was the first of the genre that I ever saw. Or even because it starred then-wrestling superstar “Rowdy” Roddy Piper in the lead role, which led me to the epiphany “Oh my God… wrestlers are just… acting!” But mainly because of the anti-corporate, anti-establishment, fuck-the-system message. For those of you not familiar with this masterpiece of modern cinema, the plot features Nada—a down-on-his-luck blue-collar guy who finds some sunglasses that allow him to see that most of the people with power in our society are actually hideous aliens, and that the human race is being used as cattle and subdued through subliminal messages in advertising. Okay fine, it’s pretty over-the-top, but when you’re a 12-year-old nerd, it’s basically like discovering Crass, or hearing Noam Chomsky lecture for the first time, except with more body slams and magical Ray-Bans. That year, I became obsessed with the film and was convinced that my life was being manipulated by unknown forces. In fact, I’m pretty sure all my paranoia and suspicions of conspiracy stem from watching that movie over and over and over again. I realize now exactly why I became so obsessed with it. It’s not because I think we’re under the control of aliens. It’s because I know we are.

Let me explain. I’ve always had sneaking suspicions about Montrealers. Have you ever really asked yourself why in the world we live through such shitty winters? I know I’ve made my own excuses: Oh, it makes Montrealers tougher and more resilient. Oh, we’re culturally rich and we use the time to be creative. Bullshit. C’mon people. Granted, this winter was considerably milder than the last, but really, there is no reason to have to go through what we do. Shit gets stupid cold here, and yes, I know people are going to call me out for being a wimp, but really, just because I don’t like having my snot freeze when I walk 10 feet out my door doesn’t mean I’m a pussy. Even if I am, so what? I’d rather be a warm and happy wuss than a tough guy whose nether regions retreat so far into my body from the cold that I’d legally be considered a woman.

What’s even scarier is how quickly we forget how shitty we have it. All we do for six moths is bitch about the cold. But once we see a little bit of sunshine for more than an hour, suddenly we’re all beaming and walking around like that homeless guy in that “Zip A Dee Doo Dah” song, acting like Montreal is a tropical paradise. What winter, right?

What’s worse is, right about now people’s brains are so fried from suffering the cold that they start jumping the gun and dudes whose skin has become translucent from non-exposure start walking outside in short shorts and flip flops, completely oblivious to the fact that it’s still cold and there are piles of garbage, dog crap and broken bottles that have accumulated over the winter everywhere. This is not normal behaviour.

You know what it is? It’s a plot by the aliens to keep us subdued. Wake up Montreal! They are the ones keeping us trapped in this icy Earth outpost! They are the ones making us love medieval revivalism and prog rock. They’re the ones who made Snuggies so damn comfortable that we just stay inside and watch cartoons and masturbate all day! They’re just keeping us to harvest our pasty skin to make human jeggings to send back to their home planet. They walk among us. They’re hiding in our underground city. They live!

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA