THIS WEEK: Potholes, toy tags,
drum sets, the niqab!

PLUS: Too many fat-thighed women
at Winter Olympics, gay man claims!!

F Hi Rant Line™. I’m just calling to say that I LOVE the Mission District and I’m 13 years old. [BLEEP!]

M Holy shit. Someone left a rant about Die Antwoord. I also have a small, unhealthy obsession with Yo-Landi. Did you ever see that video on YouTube where they’re free-styling in a taxi cab and then she pulls down her underwear and MOONS the camera? I freeze-framed that one second so I could masturbate to it. In all seriousness though, sometimes when you get fed up of the same old music being rehashed over and over again, something like Die Antwoord comes out to let you know that there’s still creative people out there. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so yeah, I’m reading the Rant Line™ and it’s pretty funny but I’m thinking about it and I realize it’s pretty STUPID too. So I go to the bottom of the Rant Line™ and right where it leaves the number to call, it says to discuss the Montreal local music scene. And the fucking Rant Line™ has no fucking posts on the Montreal music scene! So fuck that! People should start ranting about the music scene because it’s interesting as fuck. And the Bill Cosby Anarchist Society of America is fucking awesome. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to tell you my opinion on the local music scene—I think it SUCKS. As a musician myself, I think it really, really sucks. All this indie crap that’s coming up and all this hipster bullshit—it all sucks. Anyway, I don’t really care about that anyway because I’m not really into the Montreal scene, I’m more into the New York scene. Really, my rant is about Sasha. I think I’d like to meet her, at least once. She seems very EXPERIENCED for what she does and I’d like to sleep with her, you know? Yeah. So if anything could be done, please, please let me know on the Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

M Repeat after me: pathetic. The guy—or whatever he was—who ranted about Johnson Cummins should really not say anything about Johnson’s possible MASCULINITY. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™, I’m a long time reader, first time caller. I’m just calling to rant about next door neighbours who play their DRUM SETS to really bad music and who jam all night. I mean, have some consideration. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M So I was just driving on Notre-Dame and hit this MONSTROUS POTHOLE just east of Pie IX. My hubcap flew off and when I pulled over to get it, I found a graveyard of hubcaps piled around, like TROPHIES for this fucking pothole to hang up on its wall. So there’s probably better people to call than the Rant Line™ but I want to announce two things. One: watch out for this pothole. Two: does anybody know whether or not I can get the city to pay for this bent up wheel? [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to Jim Joe. I see your TOY TAG all over the city, every bus stop, every corner. I see Jim Joe written everywhere. What a fucking toy tag. Write your name in feces, you finger-painting fuck. Terrible. Come up with something more original. What is this? Like, you’re trying to emulate Basquiat or something? Awful. Terrible. [BLEEP!]

F I’d just like to rant about all this crap about women and strollers on the buses. This is ridiculous. Telling the so-called Ghetto Girls to keep their legs closed and go to school like normal people. So what happens to the men who got them pregnant? They just get off SCOT FREE because you don’t see them with their children? Because they’re not in the picture of their children’s lives? This is ridiculous. We should be paying RESPECT to these women who have to deal with these children and have to raise them by themselves, because these shit assholes are not good enough to stick around to help out. That’s all I have to say. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, this goes out to the guy—the asshole—complaining about the Ghetto Girls on the 51. You are a racist pig. Peace out and start taking the 105, dude. [BLEEP!]

M Concerning the NIQAB. The Europeans occupied this continent. Everybody must dress like a European, because the Europeans are in charge of the occupation. So dress like the UNINVITED GUEST, ok, or else you’re going to have problems and they’re not going to share any of the loot with you that they stole from the natives. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is John. This rant’s for all those NATIVE CHICKS at Winnie’s. Take that last toonie, put it in the slot machine and leave me the fuck alone. [BLEEP!]

M So I followed the whole Olympics, watching FAT-THIGHED women do their speed skating and fat-thighed women do their skiing and then, finally, I got to see the men do their speed skating. But it was delayed because of the fucking hockey game and then when I did get to see it, just as I was enjoying it, it cut to JEANNE BEKER and Fashion Television and Dean and Deluca, two fashion fags, talking about the styles that they made for the opening and closing ceremonies. What is up with that?! Why are the Olympic Games so AGAINST satisfying gay men? I mean, the Winter Games are not like the Summer Games. There we’ve got gymnastics, we’ve got athletics—everyone’s hot, everyone’s bulging—but the winter Olympics are all about women with big thighs in tight suits. It’s unattractive to straight men too, I assume. But, yeah, I’ve had about enough. And Jeanne Beker hanging out with fags instead of showing actual Olympic events, that’s the icing on the cake. [BLEEP!]

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