THIS WEEK: Die Antwoord, dubstep,
Joanna Newsom, Jack Kerouac!

PLUS: Hitler youth!!

M Hey, what’s with the HITLER YOUTH on the cover of the Feb. 18 edition of the Mirror? He just needs a little MOUSTACHE and that little diagonal stripe on his shirt and he totally fits the bill of young Hitler. I haven’t seen such questionable content ever since Sasha said it was kind of okay to fuck animals. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I just wanted to say that apparently Die Antwoord is going on tour in the U.S. in April. So somebody needs to try to book that shit up here because I need to be Yo-Landi Visser’s best friend. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F This just in: 62 per cent of SERIAL KILLERS listen to dubstep. [BLEEP!]

F I just found out that the JOANNA NEWSOM concert is sold out and I’m so bummed right now, you have no idea how bummed I am. I’m really bummed because I wanted to go and I was going to go and get the tickets but no, it’s sold out. I hate it when this happens. I always wait too long. [BLEEP!]

F I was just wondering if anyone happens to know why is it that the guy without any HAIR who’s a bartender at Sala Rossa is such an unbelievable douchebag. Sir, if you hate your job that much, you should really get a new one. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, I just walked through Cours Mont-Royal, and in the window of Club Monaco, there’s a JACK KEROUAC biography for sale. Now, to my knowledge, they don’t sell books and all I have to say is fuck CRASS capitalistic consumerism! What business does Jack Kerouac’s face have being in the window of an upscale clothing store? Ugh. Sometimes this shit doesn’t even make any sense. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I just got off the metro and my rant is about the metro. They just want to TAX us and raise the rates but yet they put plasma TVs in the stations which just give pretty much WORTHLESS information to everybody. And yet you still can’t keep your fucking metro running on time. So there’s my rant. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the hater of the GHETTO GIRLS on bus 51. You’re nothing but a coward. Because to rant in a newspaper instead of telling them to their face—ugg. And leave the mothers with STROLLERS out of it. I’m a father with a baby and a stroller on the bus—do I know you too? From all the mothers out there and I, fuck you, man. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, my rant is about all those YOUNG PEOPLE that companies like the Red Cross and Amnesty International hire. They have them standing everywhere asking for DONATIONS. And I walk by five different ones on my way to school and to work and it’s really, really annoying. I don’t have money to give to them and soon I’m going to have to start being really rude to them. And that really sucks ’cause they all look really cool and young and attractive and they just want to SAVE THE WORLD, but they’re being rude. [BLEEP!]

M Yo Rant Line™. I was in Montreal recently and I was wondering, you know these hookers who are on east Ste-Catherine Street? Do they ask their clients to WASH their cocks before they suck them off? Because I was kind of tempted but I hadn’t taken a shower for a while and, you know, there were questions in my mind. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the dude dissing the open mic host. I just want to tell him that he can suck a dick. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is about the guy who doesn’t like women who take their time giving HEAD. So what? What’s your problem? So what if they take their time? They like to tease you. Some guys like it and if you don’t, you must be gay. Okay? Peace. [BLEEP!]

F What up, Rant Line™? Now or Never here. I just want to let the whole world know how much the government sucks balls and eats shit because 1) five days after Christmas, my fucking house burned down, 2) Not only did I lose all my shit and all my belongings and almost had to experience the death of my CAT, but the fucking INSURANCE company is suing me and bringing me to court. And you know how much that’s going to cost? Over 50 grand. Can you believe that? Five days after Christmas, I lose everything and they’re going to sue me? I’m 18 years old and I’ve got nothing left. What are they going to sue me for—pennies and dimes? They can eat my nuts. I don’t know. I’m angry. I need to let everybody know how angry I am. And you know what? Fuck the government and fuck everybody. Only the Rant Line™, man, only the Rant Line™ rules. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is my rant. Sometimes when I call the Rant Line™, over and over, when I’m drunk at night like this and lonely in my bed because I couldn’t pick up any fucking chicks at KOROVA, even though they’re all DESPERATE and kind of fat and kind of gross, I just sit in my bed and I call the Rant Line™ over and over and over and all I can think about is why the fuck does it ring, like, eight times one time and then the next time it rings, like, once? What the fuck, Rant Line™? [BLEEP!]

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