THIS WEEK: Tegan and Sara, Shaharah,
La Roux, Axl!

PLUS: Guitar hero ability leads to sex, man claims!!

F Hi. You might not publish my rant because it has nothing to do with BOOBS or calling people names—well, there might be some name-calling. It’s about the Montreal music scene. I have to say that Tegan and Sara and Feist and all these LA LA LA girl singers suck. They suck so hard. They’re so pretentious. Their music—ugh! It’s really annoying. Do people listen to this music and then go shopping at American Apparel and then go finish their ART PROJECT at Concordia? They’re boring, boring, boring, boring, boring. It would be nice if Montreal could actually have a female singer or a female group that has a little bit of edge, a little bit of rock ’n’ roll happening. But no, it has to be all these artsy-fartsy girls. So that’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M Seriously, I can’t believe Montreal let this douchebag Axl Rose back to play here for Montreal. Did we already forget what this CRYBABY did the last time he played here? And I seriously can’t believe that people actually bought tickets to see him. Spaghetti Incident and Chinese Democracy are garbage. For people who bought his tickets, I would have supplied diapers full of shit just so you could chuck it at him. G N’ R should stand for Go Never Return. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so how annoying are fucking drunken hiccups? And second of all, I am so pissed off that La Roux is sold out a month before she’s supposed to be at Metropolis. So pissed. I’ve been waiting two months for this goddamned show and now I have to buy tickets that are five times the price from a dirty-ass SCALPEL [sic]. Pissed, pissed, pissed. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

M My Guitar Hero skills got me laid. Hurray Guitar Hero! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? I’ve been to lots of little shows, lots of little bars in every area of Montreal. And I just came back from NDG, Le Next Door, as they call it. I went to see this group called Soulvation and honestly, they’re amazing! They can do Bell Biv DeVoe, they can do some freaking Sting, they can do it all, man. And their lead singer, Shaharah, wow, natural performer, unbelievable. Anyone in Montreal, wherever you’re from—the West Island, the East-End, BROSSARD—you have to check this crew out. The guy on the bass is a cool black guy, really chill, always with his hat down low. The lead guitarist is a middle-aged dude who’s got this ex-Led Zeppelin thing going on so it’s really cool. And, obviously, the lead singer Shaharah, she is the shit! Yo, girl, I’m jonesing on you totally. Totally jonesing on you. Peace, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

M I just wanted to leave a rant in the memory of Kate McGarrigle this snowy Tuesday January morning and say how unbelievable she was for Canadian music, she and her sister. They had fans all over the world. They wrote for Emmylou Harris, Bob Dylan was a fan of theirs and she was, of course, the mother of Martha and Rufus. And she and her sister received the Order of Canada in 2003–2004, I think. In any case, she’ll be sorely missed. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. Here at my job, dishwashing, reading the Rant Line™ and there’s again all this stuff about this RUSH GUY. I just want to say that they’re joking. It’s not really somebody that likes Rush. It’s just somebody trying to say the most provocative stupid thing that they can to get everyone riled up. Because my friend used to do the same thing with the Rant Line™ and say stuff that was ridiculous just to see how many people would respond. So chill out, the joke is on you people who are getting all riled up about this person who doesn’t even EXIST. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I know I told you that I didn’t love you. That was a lie, that was a fucking lie. I do love you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M For the girl that said that men are assholes and everything. Well, I don’t think we all are. There are still some decent guys out there and if your BREASTS are as nice as they sound by your description then, hey, I’d like to meet you. Anyway, keep posting and maybe we’ll get it together. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the stupid cunt who’s already considering breast surgery to impress the men who she says are WEAK and behave like depressed women. You ever wonder if you maybe just end up with a bunch of douchebags? Douchebags who’ll be squeezing firm titties when you’re 50 years old?! You’re probably a cum dumpster! [BLEEP!]

M My rant is about the girls with the LOOK. You know the look. You got the big-ass shades, you got the Canada Goose jacket, you got the tights with the Uggs, okay? Girls from far away, if they have that look, they look hot. But after you take off the shades, uh oh, a huge-ass nose. You take off the jacket, you find out that huge jacket is super-fitted on the girl and she is not so hot anymore. And the tights are just a big facade—a DECOY. They shape any ass and make them look like God shaped it, but in fact it turns out to be a big fuck-up on his end. Girls got to change this look and make it happen. Snap-snap. [BLEEP!]

M This is a big screw you to the STM for turning the metro into a freaking police state. This morning at Guy-Concordia, they were blocking everybody’s way, demanding people’s ticket for verification. In case of FRAUD, they told me. Wasting my time, making me late for work—for what? My city is turning into a POLICE STATE. So screw you, STM. Come end of March, I’m buying a bike. [BLEEP!]

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