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Dear Sasha, I think I’m in love with an escort. Yes, I’m prone to blind, romantic flights of fancy, but she isn’t the first escort I’ve seen, and I didn’t feel like this the other times. I’m depressed and heartbroken, wrestling with the fact that I met such an incredible person under such impossible circumstances. Is there any hope of getting a “normal” date with an escort?
—Frank
Dear Frank,
You are prone to flights of romantic fancy and it appears you’ve just taken off on one after an exchange with someone who, like an actor, is paid to be a professional liar. Is it possible that this escort offered such an outstanding service that you’ve fallen prey to one of your quixotic spells again?
Of course, escorts have regular dates and boyfriends and girlfriends. And some of them even meet their boyfriends and girlfriends on the job. But a person prone to flights of romantic fancy, who gets depressed and heartbroken after one or two intimate business transactions, may not be the boyfriend for an escort.
Escorts would probably think twice about getting involved with someone like that, recognizing that this person would deal poorly with an escort’s career, going into a fit of pique and pouting for hours when the love object goes off to work. So the real question is: would there be hope for an escort to have a “normal” date with you?
Dear Sasha, A woman and I liked each other the moment we met, but there’s an issue. She’s a bright university student but she’s also an escort. Our friendship has developed to a point where she and I have strong feelings for each other. She says she’s able to separate the love that is developing between us from the sex at her service. I’m not so sure.
Is that possible? And what about my feelings? Am I “wrong” to feel that love is going to be difficult so long as she’s an escort? Our time together is wonderful but not when she’s “working.”
—PJ
Dear PJ,
What’s going on this week? I guess everyone got sick of me not writing about prostitution for five seconds.
As sex worker activist Shauna says, “The world is faced with questions about sex workers that makes them face their biggest fears around intimacy, love and authenticity. Going to bed beside these questions every night could be very difficult, but I don’t think they are limited to people dating sex workers. They are questions that people in all sorts of relationships ask themselves.”
Shauna continues, “The fact that PJ does not recognize sex work as work, but rather sees it as part of his partner’s sexuality is a good entry point for reflection. The problems he may have are nuanced and would be related to concepts that people in open relationships have but differ dramatically; issues around multiple partners, for one, is something they need to think about, and protection and jealousy.”
Sometimes issues around sex work get intermingled with “regular” relationship issues (odd hours, non-monogamy) but some issues are specific to sex work (wondering if a partner is developing feelings towards their clients, trying to understand intimacy and what does it mean to the worker, how could she “fake it” and still have integrity).
Considering all this, it is pretty amazing that this woman came out and told you directly about her work. As Shauna says, “So many women keep it a secret for fear of their partner’s response.”
Sex workers have long recognized the need for support groups for people who date them to share their issues. You may want to consider starting an online forum yourself.
“If he is dedicated to being with the escort, then a support group would be very useful,” says Shauna, “but he needs to make sure it’s not a bitching group and one that sits around whingeing about the problems with sex work. Smart and clean facilitation would be the key.”
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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