THIS WEEK: Lhasa, purple, Popper, DM 96!

PLUS: Girl with nice firm medium-sized breasts
bemoans lack of good men!!

M Yeah, this is a response to the question whatever happened to My Dog Popper. Whatever happened to us? What happened to us is what happened to all the other multi-talented Montreal punk bands in the ’70s and ’80s. We’re living off our multi-platinum royalties, flying around the world in our private jets just to destroy the ozone layer and tossing away GROUPIES as fast as we can throw them out. I, for one, myself, bought a super-secret island in the Gaspé and set it up to look just like the one in the Thunderbirds. As for a reunion, babe, I don’t dare leave my private island for less than a million dollars a day and that’s in OBAMA DOLLARS. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hey, I’m just calling because at my New Year’s party, I put on La Llorona by Lhasa de Sela and all of a sudden a WEIRD FEELING came over me. And then just yesterday I learned that Lhasa died that very night. So I just wanted to say go well, brave Lhasa. You were everything I love about Montreal. Fucking breast cancer. First it killed my mom, now it takes Lhasa. I know the two of them are probably sipping coffee under a tree somewhere in heaven. I know they would have both really hit it off. So the take-away message, Montreal, is love and respect each other because this life is all too short. You know what I’m saying? That’s for real. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what’s up with all of the emos and the PURPLE colour? I mean, purple short pants and purple shirts with killer penguins!? It’s already hard enough to keep a straight face when many of them claim to cry TEARS OF BLOOD and bleed black. So how am I supposed to not laugh my ass off every single time I see an emo in tight purple pants with his faggoty insecure stance. It’s just not right. Get the fuck out of society. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the SHORT Asian cocksucker who lifted my girlfriend’s jacket out of Blizzarts last Tuesday. Just so you know, all of you DO NOT look alike and I will find you again and I will fuck you up. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M So I just did something that I never do, which is that I walked down City Councillors Street. Right below Sherbrooke on the left side, I noticed the initials DM 96 on the sidewalk. I’m wondering if it could possibly have been me who did that? Are there any other DMs out there who might have scrawled this in wet concrete on some possibly drunken night back in the summer of ’96? Or can I claim this odd sense of satisfaction that I’m feeling for myself right now? Call me out if I’m wrong, but if there is no response to this, I’m going to take credit for that DM in the concrete on City Councillors Street as my little mark on Ville-Marie. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’m MIDDLE-AGED but I still enjoy your newspaper. But can you get the writing a little bigger though? Thanks. Out. [BLEEP!]

M Shut up, NVP. Every week when I open the Rant Line™, I pray I won’t see a quarter of it WASTED on some prick like you. And almost every week, I find myself disappointed that the guys at Rant Line™ give you space to talk about how great you are or how great Rush is! Stop telling everybody to be like you or to listen to what you listen to, because we’re all individuals with our own taste in music. What you should do is start talking to people different from yourself instead of locking yourself up in your house and listening to crappy music. [BLEEP!]

M NVP here. In response to the ranter who was cursing me up and down. I got the write-up, all right. I read it. And I’d like to tell him—I know where you got your brains, pal. Where you sit! You know what I’m talking about? Do I need to get more explicit? I can take you on, buddy, in any kind of debate from A to Z. You’d be so HUMILIATED. But would I do that? No. I’m not mean-spirited. I don’t need to humiliate people. But I could do it, bud. And for you to say Rush sucks, for you to laugh at GEDDY LEE—where are you? Geddy Lee’s on a world stage. The guy’s a multi-multi-millionaire. What have you ever done, pal? So this is NVP here. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. [BLEEP!]

F You know what really grinds my gears? MEN. They’re all the same and they all do the same shit. Generations nowadays, I don’t know what it is. There are no more gentlemen left in the world. It’s always a bunch of broke young kids. And, yeah, girls, never date a man younger than you—it’s brutal. And men, grow some balls. Treat your women with respect. Open a door once in a while. I’m just really irritated. My boyfriend’s a huge asshole, he’s like a DEPRESSED WOMAN. It’s really annoying. There are no good men out there. They’re all gone. It’s like they’re extinct. Listen, men, there’s even stuff that doesn’t cost any money that you can do or say to women that will make them feel good. Like, Google it! It’s friggin’ easy! Anyway, sorry for the rant but it felt real good. Thank you. And, oh, for those guys who want to hear about breasts—I like mine. They’re not that big, they’re medium-sized and they’re fun to play with. They feel really nice, nice and firm, ZERO SAGGAGE, thank God, and hopefully it will never happen. But there’s always surgery for that. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

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