THIS WEEK: NVP, 12 Gauge Minx,
Spraying Rantis, Ted Bird!

PLUS: After 25 years of practice,
local man achieves multiple orgasms!!

M This is DWC, calling about MR. BIRD resigning from CHOM. He’s had a GOOD RUN and I look at the bright side—now I don’t have to hear revisionist history or Mr. Scary anymore. Good luck to him and, anyway, his time is done. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up? I read the fucking Rant Line™ every week and I see this fucking idiot, NVP, bitching about people and their foul-mouthed nonsense. NVP, go fuck yourself with your PREACHY goddamn bullshit. I’m sick of hearing about your Rush-loving, faggot-ass looking-like-Geddy-Lee bullshit. You’re a fucking preachy little slimy bitch. No one wants to hear your shit. Rush fucking sucks and shut the fuck up. [BLEEP!]

M Thank God, it’s the last Saturday night at Opera. You can say a good thing about the fact that it’s closing and you can say that a FAKENESS is going to leave Montreal and leave a lot of places for new talent and real art to come out. People are going to be working hard to bring the scene back to what it used to be. Amazing music. I hope it comes soon. [BLEEP!]

F All right, this is the 12 Gauge Minx here again. I was gone for a minute but now I’m back. Because I’m here to metaphorically smack dick in the mouth of these bitches who responded to my local TV and election coverage rant. Now, I just want to say ignorance is bliss, motherfucker, but you’re like HELEN KELLER, man. You’re deaf, dumb and blind, but you don’t have any of her talents. For one thing, local coverage, my ass! Ever watch French news, French TV, French newspapers, anything? They have what’s happening in Montreal! They have local shit happening here. They don’t have fucking stuff like eTalk and Mose Persico, all right, or Todd van der Heyden for that fucking matter! Second, satellite TV will EXPOSE you to shows that will blow your mind, like hardcore, new fuckin’ ideas—not that fucking Stephen Harper CTV News fucking Good Morning Canada shit that is all censored and fake and disgustingly fucking designed for people in, like, Newfoundland! Soccer moms and fucking people like that, you understand? Also, as for my city falling apart because I don’t vote, etc, etc—people like me do vote. It’s motherfuckers like you that get in power and fuck everything up for people like us. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got to say that I can’t believe this, but over the past six months, me, a male, has been able to have MULTIPLE ORGASMS. Can you fucking believe it? It’s taken me 25 years of jacking off, but I can now cum twice within about two minutes. Full fucking orgasms. I didn’t think it was possible for a male, but, boy, it’s possible. And it feels good. [BLEEP!]

M I am so fucking BROKE. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. How’s it going? This is the Spraying Rantis. I’m calling from a very popular late night spot on St-Laurent. It’s a restaurant where people go to eat when they’re DRUNK. This rant is directed to all the English-speaking McGill kids that are either from Ontario, Nova Scotia, Saskatchewan, Manitoba or wherever the fuck it is that they’re from. Maybe they’re American, it doesn’t matter. Listen: you little 19 to 24-year-old pieces of shite are the reason that francophone Québécois hate the English! You act like fucking retards, 24/7. And it is the reason why Québécois anglophones like myself—I grew up in small town in French Quebec, I speak both languages without the trace of an accent—have had a hard time my entire life, being called “Hey l’anglais” and “tête carré,” being told that I’m not a REAL QUÉBÉCOIS because I speak English. So take this into consideration. When I go into your living room, I don’t put my feet up on the table without taking my shoes off and go into your fridge without asking your permission. Don’t come to our fucking city and act like retards, you goddamn rich kid pieces of shit. You got that? Go the fuck back to Peterborough, cunts. [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to know what it is, that thing that people do—usually mousey chicks and faux-homo hipsters—to walk without bending their KNEES, sort of a little hopscotch one-two where the legs don’t bend. It looks like a NERVOUS TIC. Or is it something else? Let me know, if you do this. It’s usually accompanied with a look of mild confusion, like the person doing it is supposed to be doing something but isn’t quite sure and is considering their options and sort of making a spectacle of themselves while so doing. So that’s the deal. The no-bent-legs thing. And I’ve got to tell you too, ladies, that some of you mousey girls are cute, but when you do that, you don’t bend your legs, you don’t shake your BUM, I don’t get to see the booty moving. So, you know, think about that. If you’re mousey, nervous and you’ve got a good bum, you’re selling yourself short. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, this is John. What I wanted to rant about is these INCONSIDERATE HOMOSEXUALS that pick me up in a club, take me home, fuck me, and don’t bother to tell me that the condom fell off their cock while they were fucking me. Then the next morning when I go for a shit, what do I see in the toilet bowl? A used condom! You fucking queers better be more politically correct. Snap. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is a message for the guy who pays a loonie for his copy of the Mirror. Dude, you should e-mail me. I will sell it to you for only 75 CENTS. The address is itakemoneyfromstupidpeople@hotmail.com. Thanks. Have a great day. [BLEEP!]

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