THIS WEEK: Underage boys, American Apparel, My Dog Popper!

PLUS: The last word on meat sticks!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Does anybody know what ever happened to those guys from My Dog Popper? Are they still around in the city? Are they going to do a REUNION show sometime? That’d be freaking great. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This is for RAPPERS. Could you please start making lyrics that are about something else than always about sex, money, how good you are, how rich you are, how famous and powerful and sexually proficient and tough-looking you are? Could you people start getting more original? [BLEEP!]

M NVP here. Just wanted to wish everyone a very happy, healthy and prosperous new year. My rant is with the ranters who call on the Rant Line™ and have nothing better to do but let loose a stream of FOUL-MOUTHED NONSENSE. No intellectual content at all. A man who has a vocabulary and some semblance of an IQ doesn’t need to do that. You know, I’m a very sedate person. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do anything associated with the rock ’n’ roll lifestyle. But I’m a totally committed METAL FAN—as much as anyone can possibly be—and I’m here to say one can enjoy the music, the emotion and the passion that metal brings without the drinking, smoking, drugging and getting wasted. So many of my friends have died because they felt they had to live the rock ’n’ roll lifestyle rather than simply enjoying the music. And I’ve been called a nerd because I’m a Rush fan, because I look a lot like GEDDY LEE. But I’m still alive! That’s the key. The man who is alive is the winner. And I just wanted to tell the kids out there, you can enjoy your music to the max but you don’t have to do everything the lyrics tell you to do. You can enjoy the beat and the melody and get high on that! Come on, let’s stay above ground and be winners! I really wish all of you out there all the best but, remember, make the right choices. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so we’re DRINKING ABSINTHE at Dieu du Ciel and I can’t help but notice there’s a really hot new bartender. He’s the hottest guy in town. You should see his ASS. Oh my God, his ass is amazing. He’s so cute! I hope they keep him. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so we’re the two girls who called last night talking about fuckin’ François from Dieu du Ciel. Well, tonight we’re at Green Room and there was a BMX video—so there were a bunch of UNDERAGE 16-year-old guys. Well maybe they were not underage, but they look like they were. And this one guy ripped his shirt off and I don’t know what his perfume was but it’s been an hour that we’re smelling his LEFTOVER shirt. So we’re just trying to track him down. Please, please if you know who you are, just come by the Green Room on a Monday night again. We’re going to be there. And we like the way you smell. [BLEEP!]

M Man, I just want to say that for the past few months, the American Apparel ads at the back of the newspaper are the only reason I BUY the Mirror. You should have an edition of just American Apparel ads. Those girls are hot. The best loonie I’ve spent all day. That’s all I’ve got to say. [BLEEP!]

F I’m leaving my rant now. What’s with the goddamn pocket phone calling? Like, I don’t know. Pocket phone calling. It’s never-ending. And all I hear is people talking shit and babbling and little scratching noises and the phone rubbing against their clothing. That’s all I’ve got to say. All’s I know is I’m not going back to jail. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’d just like to say that the employees at the SAQ kind of act like imbeciles. Sometimes they go sort of GIDDY when people come in and buy a lot of alcohol. As if the wealthy person is going to have a big party that night and will flash their eyes and then give them the great smile, and then say, “Well, why don’t you come to the party?” You know, it’s just bizarre. They act really weird. Especially when people are buying a lot of alcohol. [BLEEP!]

M I can’t believe someone would steal mine and my kid’s skateboard out of a STROLLER along Sherbrooke. If you stole this, burn in hell. That’s right. Burn in hell. Stealing from kids? It doesn’t get much worse than that. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so we’re so not done ranting on FIXED GEAR bikes in Montreal, hippies and hipsters. Oh my God, you guys are so original, wearing clothes from the ’70s and riding around on fixed gear bikes. Hey, look at me, I ride a $900 fucking fixed gear bike I bought from a store on Parc Avenue. And meanwhile, I’m going to boast that I pay nothing for my clothes. Nobody’s ever worn a top hat before and these vintage fucking shoes probably have CAT PISS in them, but that’s okay because I’m so cool. I’m not a consumer, I swear. You guys are so fucking unoriginal—you have to steal shit from another era and try to pass it off as your own. Like, wow, crazy. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling in response to the guy who called about fixed gears, and the guy who responded to the guy who called about fixed gears. Learn how to ride a fixed gear. Fuckin’ POSENGERS. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, one more rant about the meat sticks. How come they took away the TURKEY ones? Those ones were really good. Anyway, I can’t eat any of them anymore anyway because there’s way too much SODIUM. As good as they are, I’m not going to have a heart attack because of them. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

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