THIS WEEK: Black Keys, the Slew, Sic Bo, Hot Rods!

PLUS: An ode to the casino!!

M Hey, what’s up? I know it’s freezing outside and I know that people are all broke and stuff but I’ve had enough of the fucking YOUTUBE PARTIES. Where it’s like, let’s go hang out at this guy’s place and then everyone waits for their turn to play something on YouTube. We’ve all seen Jon Lajoie! Stop it with that. Bring it back to the good old fucking parties in the kitchen with the music and the booze and everything. [BLEEP!]

M This is something that burns my ass—people who know the smallest bit possible about hip hop culture but who try and turn around and talk about the album of the year and what hip hop record blew them away. I’m talking specifically about this new thing with the Black Keys and a bunch of MCs on it. Listen, I think the Black Keys are cool and I think the record might be good. What I don’t need to hear is from somebody who knows nothing about hip hop. Who doesn’t pay attention to rap unless they’re comfortable with the way it’s being delivered and the MESSAGE. Suddenly, indie rock nerds are going to tell people what’s what in hip hop music? That some stuff is shit and this stuff is safe and good and progressive!? Some of the stuff that you think is shit, it’s not because it’s shit, it’s just because you don’t know what the fuck you’re listening to to begin with! I just wish people who don’t like rap music wouldn’t try to like fucking rap music. No amount of your trying to be open-minded is going to disguise the fact that you’re incredibly close-minded and can only get down to something if it’s been patently approved by some PITCHFORK cock-sucking motherfuckers before it’s kosher for your home stereo. So don’t never listen to rap music and then turn around and tell me that THE SLEW is the hip hop record of the fucking decade. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Do your research, get into shit, put aside pretension—because I can, motherfucker. I like the Black Keys, I like goddamn LCD Soundsystem. I like all kinds of that shit. So don’t tell me that you can’t do the same and objectively listen to something and try and find out what’s good about it instead of assuming that your preconceived notions about rap music are correct and therefore the only thing that makes it past your particular little critical goalie is the stuff that’s truly good. Start fucking listening to music instead of ANALYZING the shit. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up with all these fucking people outside smoking in t-shirts? Don’t you realize it’s winter? Honestly, do you think you’re cooler because you’re outside in your little TANK TOP? No. You look like an idiot. Go inside, put a jacket on, go outside. If you want to smoke, don’t be stupid. [BLEEP!]

M My rant is about the Meow t-shirt store on Mont-Royal. I brought in a t-shirt from another store to have letters put on and they fucked it up. Basically, the girl fucked ONE LETTER up. She gave me a $1 rebate but that doesn’t fix the rest of the t-shirt! So since I couldn’t return the t-shirt to the other store, what I’m left with is a $30 expense and a shitty t-shirt. Also, I just realized that the tag of the t-shirt was not removed when she made it, so there’s a MELTED tag from the t-shirt on the collar. So now it’s like a doubly shitty t-shirt. It’s unusable and I just wasted about half of my afternoon making it! [BLEEP!]

M So I was on the 105 the other day and I was wondering what happened to the DRINK CANADA ALE sign on Oxford and Sherbrooke. It’s been there since I moved into the neighbourhood 23 years ago and I just want to make sure the sign is in SAFE HANDS. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to the whining COCKTAIL WIENIE. Clearly, you’ve got enough money to own your very own super truck—so you can afford to fix it when someone fucks it up. I’m also sorry that you had to buy such a giant piece of shit to compensate for what God didn’t give you. Just so you know, SIZE doesn’t really matter and chicks don’t dig big trucks—especially a Ford. God, ew, really. Boy, it’s a fucking shame you didn’t spend your parents’ money on a nicer ride. And, yeah, I live in the Mile-End and my apartment isn’t a shack. Actually, it’s quite lovely. And my vintage bike is fucking fly and rides like a pro. Oh, and did I mention that I love meat? Yeah, I had a steak and TWO SAUSAGES for dinner, you douchebag. [BLEEP!]

M To the VEGAN PRICK who dissed meat sticks—I’m going to be the meat sticks lover spokesperson and say yeah, baby, we love meat sticks. If no one was buying those deliciously juicy sticks of love, don’t you think they’d stop making them? No, man, we love them. Slim Jims were the best, but I don’t think they make those anymore or they sell them in Canada. If you’re going to try a meat stick today, go with Hot Rods. They’re the best. Meat sticks forever, baby. [BLEEP!]

F In response to the meat stick rant. I was wondering if you were talking about PEPPERONI. I eat them all the time. I’ve also had CHEW and other kinds of tobacco products fairly often. I mean, I eat them in my life, or consume them. People do use those products! [BLEEP!]

F If I see one more fucking CANADA GOOSE jacket, I’m going to barf on someone. Seriously. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my rant’s about the Montreal casino. Big up to the SIC BO table, boom boom gun shots large up Jamaican styley! Large up to Baccarat! Thank you casino for being open all the time to take my money and make large deposits! I love that! I love the casino! And thank you, casino, for making me the broke person I am today! Word. [BLEEP!]

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