THIS WEEK: Trip the Off, Moomba, Santropol, Chad Kroeger!

PLUS: A trip to Cornwall!!

F Oh my God, this is too good. Breaking news, everyone: Chad Kroeger has changed hairstyles. Yeah, he’s straightening it. [BLEEP!]

M As usual, every Thursday I was reading the Rant Line™ and I skimmed through a few pages and, to my surprise, there was a full page advertising Nickelback. I don’t even know what to say. It’s too much. [BLEEP!]

M This is DWC. I was at the Soul Night show the other night at the Olympia. Let’s see now—the two black guys didn’t seem soul enough. They had that French comedian on the show who seemed to be OVERZEALOUS. The three ladies were not bad, but the sound quality sucked. Then Luck Mervil did this rendition of “Stand by Me” which blew. I don’t think the show is going to last if they keep up with this kind of equipment and sound. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this goes out to the band Final Fantasy. I think you should really check in on your copyright infringement laws before you name yourself after a stupid VIDIOT game. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a rant about Trip the Off—I didn’t even know they were broken up. And this is going to sound very mean but…I don’t understand why, when the guitarist starts a new band, he gets a story in the Mirror to himself? I mean, ska? No one really gives a shit about it. And what’s funny about Trip the Off is that they came out right at the end of where ska and Montreal had any relevant meaning to each other. They were like the RUNTS of the litter and kind of kept the flame alive for 11 years. They were an okay band, but didn’t cause much of a ripple outside of the city anywhere. Not to be a hater, but I guess what I mean is they were never that important really, and I never understood the press. A bunch of reggae songs about smoking WEED are not really what I want to think of as a cultural export from Montreal. Had they exported it maybe, but the fact remains that the only place where anyone knows who Trip the Off is is on the island of Montreal. And while that is something, I suggest they lay off the weed and start writing punk rock. [BLEEP!]

M People still totally do eat BEEF-STICKS, I’m eating a beef-stick right now! They’re awesome. So I don’t know what that guy was talking about. [BLEEP!]

F If JYRKI from the 69 Eyes were a MEAT STICK, I would put it in my mouth. And swallow it too. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy who ranted about FIXED GEARS. I’m just calling because I wanted to say that they’re totally ergonomic and natural. They are a bright thing for human beings and in this urban environment we live in, they are totally perfect. So screw you, guy, with your stupid thoughts. Get back on your Bixi or learn how to ride a bike. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. This is the Café Santropol. We’re calling in response to the rant in reference to the FINE PIECE OF MAN not working here anymore in his cowboy boots. Well, he’s back! Next week he’ll be working Friday, Saturday and Monday night, and on the day shift on Saturday, Dec. 26. You are all welcome to come OGLE him—he gets lonely around Christmas and has a fetish for stuffed dolphins. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. My first rant was about the WHITE LOAFERS. Honestly, that was SUPER GAY but, moving on, my second rant is about the 450. I had my corporate Christmas party over there and, you know, I was pleasantly surprised! The 450—especially that club Moomba—know how to put on a good show. So props to you guys! But honestly, you know, between me and you, I will never come back to the 45OUCH! I fucking hate that shit. Back to the 514, bitches! [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. You’re going to be fucking happy right now because I’m in Ontario. I’m in CORNWALL, downtown. I’m calling you long distance. I’m actually paying you guys to talk right now, so you better post this. Anyways, I’m in Ontario and I thought I would love Ontario. Even being a Quebecer living in Montreal, I thought I’d love Ontario. But you know what? I really don’t! Because all the bitches here are RUDE. I go out for a cigarette, come back in and ask where my beer is, she goes “I don’t know, I don’t know where your beer is.” Bullshit, cunt-nugget! I can see through your fucking lies! Other than that, Ontario’s good for what? You have to be 19 to drink too, I got carded here. I’m 18 years old and I got carded here. I supposedly can’t drink, on top of it all, because I’m 18 not 19. Big fucking deal! I’m 18 but all the girls here were 23, 24 and were fucking plastered, falling on the floor! You know?! Come on, I’m 18, I can hold my alcohol more than this bitch over here beside me! Fuck, whatever. I’m just pissed off, I have no one to talk to because I’m in Ontario, I obviously have no friends but yeah, Rant Line™ you’re the best. Ontario sucks balls and Montreal is awesome, the Rant Line™—does Ontario have a Rant Line™? No! Fucking point proven. Ontario sucks. Quebec rules. Rant Line™ rules. All you fucking bitches can eat shit and die. Thank you. Peace out. Je t’aime beaucoup, beaucoup, motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the girl who says I should try out anal sex before I call it disgusting. Well, actually I did and I’m sorry, it felt like I was taking a HUGE SHIT. So when you can compare sex to taking a shit, yeah, I think that can be classified as disgusting. So shut up. [BLEEP!]

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