THIS WEEK: Hasid curls, vegetable riders,
meat sticks!

PLUS: Reason for existence of 30 Seconds
to Mars questioned!!

F Honestly, what is up with 30 Seconds to Mars? Why do they even EXIST? They’re so shitty. Did someone actually hear them at one point in their early career and say, these guys are music? Because they’re not. They always look like they’re trying to wear INCONSPICUOUS EYELINER but, guess what? I see it. And here I am reading that they have a new album out. How?? [BLEEP!]

M To the person that ranted about Tantra and the hip hop they play there. I’ve no context at all, I’ve never set foot in the place and never will. But I will address the common misconception about what constitutes OLD SCHOOL hip hop music. Now maybe I’m old but, listen, Dr. Dre, The Chronic, is not old school! That’s only 10 years old. Old school is like 30-year-old hip hop. Original breaks, Afrika Bambaataa, that kind of stuff—that’s old school, okay? We could even lump in there some of the post-first-wave hip hop groups, the first groups from New York to get on the national charts. The Beastie Boys, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, to some effect. But anything that was recorded after 1990 or so, you have a hard time convincing a HEAD that it’s real old school hip hop music. It might seem old if you are 21 now and were 11 when Dr. Dre came out, but don’t get it twisted. That record still is influencing shit that comes out, whereas we’ve moved well past “rocking the bells” and “when I say hip, you say hop” type of stuff. And that would be what you could consider actual old school hip hop music. So take it from Professor Nerdlinger here—I don’t want to front like a tough motherfucker, but let’s just define our terms. You can say that’s some cool old Dre shit or some cool old EPMD, but that’s not old school. You got it? Don’t get it twisted. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to all the hippies in the Mile-End district and their so-called VINTAGE BICYCLES, if you even call what they ride bikes. Get off the fucking road! You piss me off, taking the entire lane, thinking you own the road! People like you should stay inside your shacks and only come out at night. One of you VEGAN PRICKS took my right mirror off my Ford Super Duty F-350. Yeah, you know who you are. You’re probably reading this. You were eating a CARROT with one hand and riding your vintage crap with the other. Because of you, I was almost late for my cocktail party. And now, just to let you know, this time I reinforced my mirror with cement, enough to take you vegetable riders out one by one. So be sure to wear your papier maché helmets next time. Oh, by the way, P.S. go sell your vintage crap on Craigslist before I shove a steak down your throat. [BLEEP!]

F I think dreads overall are pretty fucking gross. But I would like to say that the whole HYGIENE thing is kind of mean because, you know, there are people without dreads that don’t wash their hair, like, ever. But for dreads, hot water does a pretty good job and if you’re living in the 21st century and you’re not a street URCHIN that cleans chimneys, then you’re probably not getting LICE. So maybe you guys should give the dread people a break on the hygiene issue. There are also marvelous inventions like dry shampoo and sometimes good old baby powder just works really well. [BLEEP!]

F We bust on white guys with dreadlocks because they’re not fucking Rastas. Get on with your life! I can’t wait until oh, oh, HASID CURLS, they could be in style next fall. Oh no, spring! Spring is when the Hasid curls are in style-y! So all you guys with dreadlocks, shave your locks so you can have your Hasid curls ready for spring. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is in response to the idiot who was ragging on cable TV. Listen, idiot, local cable television provides lots of jobs and it gives people a place to talk about local issues. SATELLITE TV doesn’t give a fuck about Montreal’s local culture. If you think Montreal doesn’t deserve to have representations in media, then move to Toronto. And as for your little comment about election coverage, well maybe if you went to an election, your city wouldn’t be falling apart and we wouldn’t have to read all these horrible letters talking about how shitty our democracy is. Think for yourself instead of just letting satellite TV define your idiot little world. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Who eats MEAT STICKS? You see them everywhere, every store, every depanneur, right on the counter as if it’s this normal thing that everybody eats. Except you’ve never seen anybody put this in their mouth! Think of it—meat sticks. And the other thing is all these weird tobacco products you can find at the smallest hole-in-the-wall depanneur. Chewing tobacco, OBSCURE cigarettes, snuff—nobody uses these either. What’s up? [BLEEP!]

F Okay, so I went to my favourite restaurant, Santropol, the other day and was sadly disappointed. The hottest guy in the city no longer works there? What the fuck? How am I supposed to enjoy my sandwich without being able to stare at that fine piece of man? I’m not trying to be creepy or anything but, seriously, any girl who goes to that café knows who I’m talking about. Anyway, my friends and I miss you and your sexy COWBOY BOOTS, so please come back. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. My rant is for the lady who said that ANAL is disgusting. My mom always told me that before saying something is disgusting, we have to try it. So why don’t you try? You will see. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local music scene?
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Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).