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Dear Sasha, I’m currently on a number of online dating sites and am forced to misrepresent myself. In real life, I describe myself as a genderqueer/fluid and pansexual. Unfortunately, the sites I’m on don’t acknowledge genders and sexualities outside of the “norm.” Are there any good online dating sites that recognize my existence? Or make it easier to find potential partners online that might also not identify as either straight/gay/bi, man or woman? Where is there queer cruising online?
—QCO
Dear QCO,
You’re running up against a problem that genderqueer, transgender and transsexual people face in many aspects of their lives: whether accessing health care, government services, employment opportunities or dating networks, there’s no box for you. Even dating websites that fall outside the heteronormative model tend to ask only whether you’re male or female, straight or gay. Would it kill them to get a little less binary without pandering too much to the overly specific details of peoples’ identities? I know it’s been a FetLife festival here lately but as my friend Holly says, “It’s one of the only sites that allows you to choose your gender. On that note, you can also choose forniphilia, fisting and furries as things you like to do, just like long walks on the beach.”
You may endure some unwanted attention on FetLife by people who don’t respect what is clearly written in your profile but this is an issue on a lot of dating/social networking sites—just ask any lesbian looking for a female partner how many men and straight couples respond to their ads on a site like Craig’s List. A pansexual friend who cruises online a lot endorses okcupid.com, though you’ll notice their gender categories are limited to male or female. Consider sending feedback to sites about their gender and sexuality options and see if they don’t make some effort to include yours. You may also, if you have the time and ability, think about starting up your own dating site.
Dear Sasha, I was recently pondering my relationship over a hot cup of chai. This is what the problem is: my girlfriend of the past three and half months has been refusing to open up and bring our sex life to the next level. I slowly tried engaging her into the idea of using sex toys but she was having none of that. I guess the idea of her wearing a strap-on and giving it to me how I truly desire is not something she’s comfortable with. I’ve tried not bringing it up for the longest time because I really do like her but do you think you can give me some tips on how to maybe open her mind a little?
—Aris G
Dear Aris,,
Rather than focusing on introducing unfamiliar and possibly intimidating sex acts to your girlfriend and grading the depth and quality of your intimacy on an unmitigated willingness to try them, why not start by asking about her sexual history and see if this doesn’t help open things up? How did she learn about sex? Does she enjoy masturbating? What are her fantasies? What does trying new and challenging things bring up in her? Creating a sympathetic, pressure-free dialogue around sex might provide a more conducive atmosphere to talking about your own desires. If it feels like it would help, there are also many books and films to assist you in familiarizing an uninitiated partner with strap-on sex. The Ultimate Guide to Strap-on Sex by Karlyn Lotney is a classic and Tristan Taormino often features male receiving in her films, whether they are instructional (The Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men) or porn (The Chemistry series).
Try to be patient, Aris. You’ve been with your girlfriend less than four months and while some people you date will happily go to dark and dirty places with you from the get-go, others take some time to warm up to new ideas. Still, no matter what the grounds for someone’s resistance, it can feel hurtful and demoralizing to have your needs rejected, so remember to go easy on yourself too.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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