BEARD BASH

It’s possible that being celebrated as a Great American Hero crossed the mind of Marine reservist Lance Cpl. Jasen Bruce while he awaited police, whom he’d called to report his single-handed capture of a terrorist. And surely the press would have loved to tout him as such, were it not for the fact that the bearded man in a robe and sandals that Bruce beat with a tire-iron was just a Greek Orthodox priest looking for directions.

Father Alexios Marakis was visiting Tampa, FL from Greece when he found himself lost. Bruce says the man approached him “speaking a foreign language.” He also claims the man spoke perfect English, which he used to make a sexual advance. And also that the man shouted “Allahu akbar,” which, Bruce says, is “what they tell you right before they blow you up.” What police say is that surveillance video shows “a very short, small man running, and an enormous, muscular man chasing after him.”

Bruce, who through his lawyer has been trying to maintain the victim’s role, could face aggravated battery charges. When not saving the world from Greek priests, Bruce blogs about how great human growth hormones and testosterone are.

by SCOTT SAXON