THIS WEEK: Jujitsu, shaved heads, half-naked on Facebook, Oscar Wilde!

PLUS: Backstage with Rush!!

M This is for the guy who said that Rush is a thinking man’s rock. Man, I work in a record store and Rush fans are some of the biggest pony-tailed retards ever, almost as bad as IRON MAIDEN fans. I suggest that you shove a computer-generated purple DRAGON up your ass. [BLEEP!]

M Ahem. You who consider Rush to be a thinking man’s rock, you are not PRUDISH or Victorian. Indeed. You are most certainly not a cultured individual, like a Victorian. The fact that your homophobic views prevent you from enjoying the rocking genius of metal bands like Harvey Milk is your loss. Yet you continue with glee while drinking your non-decadent Coors Light whilst listening to Geddy Lee’s girlish voice as you contemplate the free press. Dictated in a sarcastic Oscar Wildean accent but not read. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to that prudish Victorian motherfucker. Fuck you and your thinking man’s rock. The writers over at the Mirror have 10 times more talent in their pen than you will have or experience in your entire lifetime. How does the Mirror push homosexuality? How is that possible? Oh, Mirror endorses gay pride and treating gays like equals. Now I’m going to take it up the pooper, now I’m a homosexual!? Go get a girlfriend or something, all right? I’m fucking sick of this thinking man bullshit. Go out. Have some fun. Listen to some fun music. And then complain about something. [BLEEP!]

F I think that this dude ranting about the Mirror should go screw himself in the rear end. If you don’t like the Mirror, I don’t know why you read it. Is it to look at the hot TRANZIES at the end? Yes, it might be filled with perversity and degradations in your eyes, but I think that’s the WHOLE POINT. We want a magazine that won’t censor us. Do you see me going all crazy because a fashion magazine sends destructive messages about self image and young girls pick up on that? I don’t like that shit, so I simply don’t buy those magazines. Also, will you people stop with what you call real music? The guys from Rush, Led Zeppelin, the Who are all OLD CRIPPLES now. It’s 2009! [BLEEP!]

M It’s me again. You can just call me NVP—Not Victorian Prude. Why am I such a Rush fan? I actually MET the three of them. That’s right. Backstage, a while ago. They are the nicest, easiest going guys you could ever hope to meet. Not on a power trip, not playing rock star. I got their autographs and I was just awestruck. I was with the Canadian metal gods—and they’re so unassuming and down to earth. The kind of guys I’d love to have a coffee with. But they are Rush. And if you read all their lyrics—and I do, I’m a Rush fan from day one, got all their stuff, from their inception, from their beginning—they are just geniuses. Neil Peart, Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson. Neil Peart is a LITERARY GENIUS. And we need a revival of this kind of music, other Rush-like groups. Not everything is hopeless, black and despair. There’s hope, there’s hope! And if you look at society, you can see that music and the arts and the literary world have always been the guiding factors to what shapes society. We need a revival. We need a new renaissance and I hope to be a part of it. That’s why I’m calling in. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling in response to the guy who was questioning Xavier Caféïne’s martial arts training. I used to train JUJITSU with him about three years ago and I know he studied kung fu before that. So maybe you should BACK OFF. [BLEEP!]

M To the young man who called Xavier Caféïne a little pipsqueak and asked what he knows about the martial arts—well, actually I know XC personally, and he’s 6’ 2”, about 210 pounds, full of muscle and he can probably kick your fucking ass big time. And also, he’s a kick-ass good old punk rocker. [BLEEP!]

M Has anyone else ever noticed the similarity between the smell of crappy outdoor weed and CAT PEE? [BLEEP!]

M I would like to second this hatred towards white people with dreadlocks. But it’s not so bad that they’re white and have dreadlocks. The worst is when they have blond dreadlocks and RAT FACES. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling about the guy who was bitching about white people with dreads. He’s probably one of these guys with the SHAVED HEAD. And these people with the shaved head, 90 per cent of them, you know why they shave their head? They got no hair. Prematurely BALD. And they’re jealous about us people who still got hair and can grow it. So you know what? Keep shaving your heads. Look in the mirror and jerk off to your shaved heads, but it ain’t too sexy either. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is for the guy who wants girls to talk about their breasts. Well, I’m not going to talk about my breasts, I’m going to talk about my ex-boyfriend’s breasts. Yeah, I know, I was dumb. Anyways, he had these kind of D-cups that stood out like CONES. But now he got them removed and he became this little slut and now he’s got pictures of himself half-naked on Facebook. Yeah, so I guess plastic surgery works for male and female sluttiness. Peace. [BLEEP!]

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