THIS WEEK: Caféïne, Rush, Korn,
fake Joey?!

PLUS: Man offended by Mirror claims
not to be prudish Victorian!!

M Hi. I [am someone claiming to] play in Final Flash and the guy claiming to be JOEY last week was not him. Joey wouldn’t talk about the girls asking about him with such DISTASTE, especially if it’s people ready to give our music a chance by listening to us. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I’m looking at the music section of the Mirror and I see the headline “Combat rock,” about Xavier Caféïne and his new album Bushido, and how he is taking a detour into mixed martial arts. What the fuck does this little pipsqueak know about the ancient martial arts?! [BLEEP!]

M This is about the Mirror. The Mirror could be an excellent magazine but I find it always glorifies every kind of PERVERSITY and immorality, pushing every kind of DEGRADATION. It could be a good magazine for young minds, it could be. It’s sad that it isn’t. It’s gutter mentality—and it doesn’t have to be. That’s the tragedy. It pushes everything: degradation, immorality, obscenity. It’s pushing homosexuality. There are young impressionable minds out there that are being corrupted. There’s an agenda there and I hope you guys can see that. The Mirror also never gives a good expose on THINKING MAN’S ROCK— groups like Rush. Instead, it is always appealing to the lower, baser, gutter-type music. Nothing elevating that makes people think and grow. I’m not a VICTORIAN or a prude. I love my metal. But thinking man’s metal! Why does the Mirror always have to gravitate to the gutter? Why can’t it lift people up? The Mirror has some good writers but they’re not using their talent. You don’t see me swearing or cursing here, I’m a gentleman, a thinking man. I would just like to see the Mirror become more attuned to some CEREBRAL content. Please, think about this. Are you just trying to sell for shock value? You seem to have a very cynical attitude towards the public out there. Do you really believe people just want to hear gutter talk and FILTH? I’m honest. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, it’s got to end. White people with DREADLOCKS, you’ve got to stop. You have no idea how fucking ugly they are. It’s disgusting. You look like you have gross pieces of ROPE hanging from your head. You don’t carry it well, you don’t look good. Even if one of your dreads looks authentic, the rest of them look like YARN hanging out of a scarecrow’s head. To the handful of white people that have good dreads in this city, you’ve got to stop it. You’re creating monsters left, right and centre. Stop smoking dope, be satisfied with the fact that your hair grows properly and dreads up and get over it and then cut them off—because you’re encouraging the whole bad bunch of KORN. Remember that band Korn? They were terrible. They were awful and they looked awful. And no amount of Adidas and knotty hair looks good on any white person. Adidas maybe, knotty hair, no way. I’m a white man, and when I was a teenager, I tried to have bad dreads, but luckily I was able to figure this out myself. And you’ve got to stop too. It’s making me sick, I’m going to barf. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, my beef is not with the skaters that use the new FOUNTAIN area at Place des Arts to skate because that’s all good. My beef is with the people who installed that area who didn’t put any of those metal pegs or any fences to keep the skaters off there. Now all the ledges are waxed and people are getting HIT by skateboards in their cars at rush hour. I mean, where is our money going? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I got a little rant for you guys. I’m just fucking fed up of all this trafficworks, and public works. They’re just fucking up our skateparks now. We got a little flat section up in NDG, then they come in, tar the shit out of the new road and fuck up our spot with pebbles and patches of tar and shit. Fuck all these fucking renovations. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. This rant is for everybody who likes to go see cheap movies downtown on Tuesday nights. Do not go see Paranormal Activity at the 10:15 showing because people bring BABIES and the babies cry and cry and evidently their parents don’t know that horror movies aren’t made for infants below the age of one years old. So for future reference, let’s not bring babies. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is in response to the question about wearing your pants below your ASS CRACK. Your theory actually isn’t that far off, believe it or not. The trend originated in prisons in the U.S. Basically, a weaker, more vulnerable inmate will wear their pants like this to signal that they’re looking to be someone’s bitch. Definitely not fun, but I guess only being ASS-RAPED by one guy who will protect you instead of being raped and beaten to death by a large gang starts to look pretty good. How this turned into mainstream fashion I have no idea. [BLEEP!]

F All I have to say is guys fantasizing about anal sex should stop that right now because it’s gross. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to they guy who wants girls to call in and talk about their breasts. Well, I’m into that and I’m going to go one further and say if anyone wants to talk about their breasts, I’d rather do it in person, preferably with my hands on their breasts, even better if the nipple is in my mouth. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M So this is to the guy who called in asking for chicks to call and talk about their tits. Are you seriously that LONELY that you have to jerk it to a rant about someone’s melons? I mean, if anybody does call in to talk about knockers, it’ll probably be a dude describing his FAT MAN TITTIES. So save yourself the embarrassment, just dial up one of the trannies from the back of Mirror, have him—or her—come by, suck your dick and fuck you in the pooper. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I want to know how come if you’re at La Belle Province or places like that you have to ask the guy for MUSTARD instead of having it out like the KETCHUP. Why is that? [BLEEP!]

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