THIS WEEK: Ardene’s, ass cracks,
Mosé Persico!

PLUS: How NOT to pick up girls!!

M Hey Rant Line™, I’m just reading the latest edition and I suddenly got inspired for a great name for a band. Here it is: NUKULELE. That one’s on me. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who’s complaining about lap DJs not sticking to the true form. Maybe you haven’t heard of a little thing called hyper-reality, but man, there are no true forms anymore. Everything is a SIMULACRA or a simulacrum. So get over it. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is DWC. To the guy saying something about the new DJs with no discs around. Could it stand for DIGITAL JOCKEY? [BLEEP!]

M To the people complaining about Metropolis concert-goers and how they’re INFECTING the whole downtown area like cockroaches. Well, I think the source of the problem here is obviously the security guards. Those guys are basically getting paid to wear a shirt that says security in the back and stand there with their arms crossed. You know, I just feel bad for the businesses next door to Metropolis, they have to deal with fucking emos, punks, metalheads, ravers and all kinds of weirdos lining up in front of their establishments. And nobody’s doing a damn thing about it. And to that guy who wants to know if it’s okay to put Mosé Persico on TV, well not until he stops pronouncing the name of his own city like a fucking tourist. Someone should really tell the guy that it’s Muntreal not Mawntreal. [BLEEP!]

M This is the future Prime Minister of Canada and I’d like to say that it’s okay to put Mosé Persico on TV. He’s got a good SMILE, he’s doing what he’s doing, you know, I fully respect that guy. And anybody that looks as good and fashionable as he does, they should work with him rather than against him. [BLEEP!]

F To the little emo kid who was complaining about how his boss stereotyped him and made him take off his MAKE-UP. First of all, your boss is not stereotyping you. He’s just trying to explain to you that it’s not cool to have more make-up on your face than your fucking girlfriend. Get a life, get some make-up remover and fuck off, bitch. Thank you, Rant Line™. Je t’aime, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the emo and proud dude. Well, maybe if your boss told you to take off all that shit, it’s because you’re exaggerating and you look like shit and you should probably go kill yourself. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for that kid who’s emo and proud. Why don’t you just get a job at ARDENE’s? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, here’s something that’s really pissing me off. I see these CAMPAIGN ads all over my house and all over schools and everywhere. All these posters with really ugly and fat old people with really annoying smiles that look like NED FLANDERS on crack, and they’re all talking about how if you vote for them, they’ll clean up the city. And you know what that means—removing all the tags and getting rid of all the graffiti. But what they’re doing is worse than graffiti because it’s 10 times as unoriginal. Every morning, I see 10 new fliers on my door. I mean, if that’s not fucking vandalism, then I don’t know what is. [BLEEP!]

F To the stupid bitch defending the seal hunt—if you were my little baby seal, I would fucking club you. [BLEEP!]

F This is a rant about everybody whining about the seal hunt. I just want to say that celebrities endorse the seal hunt for the same reasons they endorse Botox—because it makes them look good. It’s a lot easier to get a really cool shot of standing around in WHITE SNOW in a parka with BRIGHT BLOOD and baby seals everywhere than it is to get in the slaughterhouse full of chained-up chickens and cows. Also, I don’t see any native people traditionally surviving off of giant factory farms. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M This one goes out to that Lebanese bitch I saw at Alexis Nihon Plaza on Monday afternoon October 19. Then she went inside of the McDonald’s after that. Bitch, the only reason why I was trying to talk to you was simply to get some of that BIG ASS of yours which your mama gave you. Not for your brains, obviously. Before you got all stupid and asking me if I know you and blah blah blah. I won’t lie to you. You did get my dick hard, real hard, you know? I love that big ass of yours. But beside that, I would just fuck you and leave you anyway. So don’t think you’re anything special, okay? Go and eat your shish taouk. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, my buddies and I are trying to figure something out. If you wear your pants below your CRACK, does that mean you want to be fist-fucked? And if you wear your pants below your cheeks, does that mean you’ve got a shitload in your underpants and you’re into scat? Can you let me know? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m calling just about the situation of male public washrooms in Montreal. I’m getting really sick and tired of you motherfuckers MASTURBATING in public washrooms. You can’t go to a washroom and get a stall. I had to take a really big DUMP and I had to wait while THREE DUDES were getting off. This is nasty. I hope that one of the candidates for mayor addresses public washroom masturbation, because the next time I’m going to shit in my hands and shoot it over the stall at you. [BLEEP!]

F This is going out to the dude who wants females to call in about their BREASTS. Well, mine are 38Cs, they’re real and they are SPECTACULAR. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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