THIS WEEK: Mosé Persico, Jean Leloup, ukuleles, squirrel torture!

PLUS: Sex ed in Laval!!

F This is to the guy who was complaining about the emo kids who ruined his car. I’d just like to say that my heart goes out to him and I feel his PAIN. I live close to Metropolis and there were fucking emo kids everywhere like cockroaches all day long waiting for hours and hours since seven in the morning. I saw two or three of them who were behind my house literally the entire day, like GROUPIES waiting for the band. I thought only girls did that. What do they want? Do they want band members to sign their tits? Do they want to offer to suck their cocks? I don’t understand. And they were like little turds with asymmetrical haircuts and, worst of all, they were TORTURING the squirrels. They had this bullhorn and they were making loud noises and terrorizing the squirrels, and then giggling and running away and coming back and doing it again. And I feel really shitty about your windshield. I think they deserve to get their heads kicked in. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Rant Line™. I’m just calling to say how fed up I am with the fact that people like me—EMO and PROUD—find it hard to get jobs because some people don’t like the face piercings and eye makeup. Hell, just a couple of weeks ago, my ex-boss told me to take everything on my face off because a customer complained that I looked horrible. So this goes out to that person: fuck your stereotypes and fuck the fact that you don’t like who I am. Go to hell. I know who I am. And out to my girlfriend: love you. Thanks, Rant Line™. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hey this is Joey from Final Flash. I don’t know what the fuck people are saying but I don’t make any eyes at 14-year-old, JAILBAIT pieces of ass. It doesn’t happen. I like real women, real actual women, between 20s to 40s. That’s right, I’m into cougars. So any Final Flash fans who aren’t still in DIAPERS, hit me up. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Honestly, I hate UKULELES. I have a roommate that plays ukulele constantly. I hate it so much, like, seriously. And over the past couple weekends, she got two fucking more ukuleles, not to mention that one’s a fucking electrical one. How am I going to live with this kind of shit? And, you know, you hear this song, “I Lost My Baby,” by Jean Leloup. It’s French. I fucking hate this song. It’s been overplayed at the house way too many times and now there’s a fucking ukulele version of it. Honestly, fuck my life. I can’t handle this shit. Seriously, can we fucking nuke all the fucking ukuleles? Like, honestly? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so the Mirror directory once again says Café Griffintown, that’s not the right Café Griffintown. That’s the Café Diner Griffintown. You guys have to look into things before they go and get published and get the right addresses because Café Grifftintown is at 1964 Notre Dame street and not this diner café place, the COPYCAT joint. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so check it. At the Old Navy in Carrefour Laval, I’m passing by the window and I see this blue-eyed, blond-haired little kid FONDLING a mannequin that he undressed himself. Took off the top and was just playing with the breasts. And he seemed very pleased with himself as someone that’s playing with breasts would. And I think to myself, “Wow, they really teach the basics here in Laval.” Ten years down the line, the kid will be doing the same thing to little LAVALIANS of his own. So I just thought I’d give you the 411 or 450 on what’s going down in Laval. [BLEEP!]

M Who the fuck thinks it’s okay to put Mosé Persico on TV? [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling in regards to the tattoo artist or the piercer that was complaining about people being CHEAP and not tipping. First of all, tattoo artists make about $100 an hour and I’m sorry, but if you’re making $100 an hour, you don’t deserve any tip. Therefore, you won’t get any tip and we’ll just keep it that way, all right? And bye bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This message goes out to every girl in Montreal who thinks you can catch an STD from putting your twat on a TOILET seat. You’re stupid. Stop pissing on toilet seats and if you don’t have the common decency to turn around and WIPE the seat when you’re done, then you should be shot. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the degenerate non-smoker ranter who was responding to my rant. First of all, okay, me and God have worked out some kind of deal. I can continue smoking as long as I make sure it’s around you. Slowly but surely killing your ass by poisoning you with secondhand smoke and therefore eliminating another BAD SEED that would just sexually frustrate women to the point where they would have to pray so much that either you die or they would die. And you know what? You’re going to die. Either I’m going to kill you or NATURAL SELECTION will. [BLEEP!]

M This is not a rant but a REVELATION. All those assholes who scribble and scratch their names all over the city just want their daddies and mommies to notice them. [BLEEP!]

M When you get the BLACK DOTS in your eyes and your head starts to feel SWIMMY, your circulation cuts off and you finally just give up any kind of resistance, you’re going to be fucking sorry you wear that scarf. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I was hoping that some of your callers who are FEMALE might call in and talk about their breasts. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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