THIS WEEK: Goths butting in line, emo kids pulling hair!

PLUS: Band can’t hold crowd, blames charity!!

M To little Miss Goth shithead and her Bram Stoker-loving husband in line for the Diamanda Galas show, you’re probably at home now, eating nightshade by candlelight, drying ROSES and memorizing lines from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I just wanted to say fuck you for butting to the head of the line as if you had some God given right to be there. Furthermore, I remember your ugly little pig-nosed face from last year’s Pop Montreal festival, where you did the exact same thing in the line-up for Nick Cave. And the worst part was that, in each case, there was hardly anyone in line. It’s not like no one noticed you in your VEIL of ELIZABETH BATHORY darkness, creeping and slithering to the front of the line. But I guess if anyone is to blame, it was those of us who didn’t bother saying anything to you. We should have said something or at least thrown up on your hackneyed, ugly, too-much-Anne-Rice wardrobe. Anyhow, I just wanted to say that I can assure you there’s a place in Hot Topic Cruella hell just waiting for you. [BLEEP!]

M So maybe next time when Raekwon the Chef comes up to Canada for his tour on the second Cuban Linx album, which was fucking phenomenal and is definitely most certainly disc of the week, maybe he could bring up north his affiliate on the record and on his first Cuban Linx, Ghostface Killah, and you know that’d be a show definitely to see! And I don’t believe that Ghostface has been up north of the 49th parallel. Any which old ways, it’s one hell of an album and Dr. Dre and Necro and RZA beats are all fucking amazing. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to ask what’s the deal with this shit terminology that’s coming out these days? I see one of these guys from the Mirror talking about software DJs—I want to know what does the D stand for, because I don’t see no fucking discs on these motherfucking lap DJs, man. So you better correct that shit. Motherfucking fake-ass whack motherfuckers can’t stick to the true form. [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant for the people organizing the CIBC Run for the Cure that took place on October 4. My band played this show as a favour because it was a good cause and this is the second year in a row that you people fucked us by placing us last after all of the prizes are given away. So rather than playing for the initial crowd of about 4,000, we played for the 14 people who were nice enough to stick around. We showed up at 7 a.m. for your soundcheck, we even learned that shitty MELISSA ETHERIDGE song and you still fucked us. So fuck you, Run for the Cure. You can suck my ball sack. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to that group of pathetic evil pussies that got into a fight outside the Metropolis tonight. Some band called Every Time I Die or some stupid name was playing tonight and it happened right after the concert, I guess, because there was a sea of long-haired TEENAGED EMO MONKEYS standing outside the venue. I happen to work close to Metropolis and my car was parked right on the corner. You fucking hair-pulling pussies busted my windshield and wrecked my hood! And I couldn’t get it fixed until the morning after I got off work. And if that wasn’t enough, it was raining outside. So if I ever catch one of you emo pussies who did this to my car, I will beat your face in, I swear to God. I’ll be on the look out for any shitty emo bands playing at Metropolis from now on. Please print this. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. You guys are so out of it, it’s unbelievable. My 14-YEAR OLD SISTER called about some guy in a band that she saw and you guys give her a PLATFORM to do that. She’s 14, she’s ADD. She thinks that every singer in the world is in love with her. Trust me, there was no connection, the guy didn’t talk to her, so don’t mess up some 20-something guy’s life for a 14-year-old. She’s crazy, and leave that Final Flash band alone. Don’t keep taking her calls. Seriously, she’s 14. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling about those two bitches who wanted to know who Joey C. Chaperon is. I mean, I work with the guy Tuesday at la Rockette. He’s not even that good looking. I don’t even know what the big FUSS is about. You girls are fuckin’ crazy, man. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this goes out to the vegan little whiny TITS MCGEE over there about baby seals and all that. You know what? If I’m hungry enough, I’ll eat baby seal, I’ll eat your fucking baby. Hell, I’ll eat you if I’m hungry enough. How about you embrace your fucking spot on top of the motherfucking FOOD CHAIN? [BLEEP!]

F This is to the girl who’s all for the fucking seal hunt. I hope somebody clubs your baby over the head. [BLEEP!]

M What’s with everyone asking for TIPS for the slightest bit of doing their own fucking job that they’re already getting paid for? Jesus. [BLEEP!]

M I just jerked off to the SEARS CATALOGUE. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this was the Suicide Hotline. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Mr. Montreal. Please, please, please, move to Laval. [BLEEP!]

F I haven’t slept in 48 hours. I’m fucking tired. I’m pissed off. The world is ending. My life sucks. Mr. Montreal, you shouldn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks because you’re Mr. Fucking Montreal. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to all the ladies in DRESSES on bicycles. I can’t wait to see you next spring. Thank you, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

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