Sub seeks dom,
not Son of Sam

Dear Sasha,I’m a 38 year-old male bedroom submissive hoping to meet a kind, friendly, ethical, sane, smart, sociable girlfriend who just happens to have a dominant side. I’ve looked at dating sites for people in the fet/BDSM scene, but some of the people on these sites sound certifiably insane. Even the ones who aren’t Satan worshippers “looking for full-time slaves” seem to define themselves mainly (often wholly) in terms of their sexuality.

I’ve got my fair share of harmless kinks and fetishes, but sex is only one part (albeit a really fun part) of what I deem to be a well-balanced life. I yearn for an egalitarian friend and life-partner I can bring home to Mom, not someone who lives and breathes for the fetish scene. I want a girlfriend with a passion for books, movies, travel, current events, romantic walks, wide-ranging conversations etc., not a weirdo fixated on brown showers and the Son of Sam.

I’m sure there are sexually dominant women out there who feel the same way I do. How would you recommend I go about finding them?

—Well-balanced sub looking for love

Dear sub,

While it’s true that a lot of tops you’ll come across online have certain immediate and gruelling expectations of subs (though this doesn’t necessarily make them insane, just aware of their own needs and wants), I am surprised you haven’t met ones who are more moderate and expressive about their hobbies outside the bedroom. Have you tried Fetlife (fetlife.com)? Even joining one of the zillions of groups and starting up a discussion might lead you to some interesting possibilities and there are some very experienced and balanced players on this site. Give that a go. I would suggest that no matter which site you choose, you tone down this sneering attitude about Satanists, Sons of Sam and skat play. In a dating context, openly criticizing people’s online personas and fetishes just because they don’t appeal to you and setting yourself against people as though what you project and enjoy is more valid isn’t going to win you any friends on the message boards. All kinks are harmless when they are negotiated consensually—if yours are more common, it doesn’t make them more so—shit and let shit in someone’s mouth, so to speak.

You might also try dating sites that don’t have such a predominant focus on BDSM like Plenty of Fish (plentyoffish.com), where the profile set-up permits you to state all your pastimes in and outside of the bedroom. I know a few people who have had success hooking up with folks who share both their intellectual and intimate interests in this venue. Again though, try to ease up on the “am-I-the-only-not-crazy-person-who-likes-BDSM-out-there?” stance. Stating your wants without critiquing others makes you much more attractive.

Dear Sasha, I don’t know if it’s possible for guys to squirt a clear liquid that is not semen. I’ve seen females ejaculate and know it’s a clear liquid, but I don’t know if, biologically, it would be possible for a guy to have a third liquid to squirt. When I lube up my cock, and rub the head in a circular motion with the palm of my hand, I end up shooting out something. I get the sensation of like a nerve ending overload and then it starts and the head is super sensitive. Have you heard of anything like this and is it some sort of male sensation, or am I just pissing myself from over stimulation?

-Hopefully Not a Bed Wetter

Dear Hopefully,

This is pre-ejaculate and while, for a lot of men, it just kind of blub, blub, blubs out a bit, for some it does shoot a little. It’s not pee. In fact, its job in part is to neutralize the acidity in the urethra caused by pee so that the sperm can get through safely. It’s basically the underground railroad for the sperm and it comes primarily from what are known as the bulbourethral glands.

And lubing up your cock and rubbing your head in whatever motion gets you off will very naturally provide a pleasant sensation, regardless of how your pre-ejaculate emerges.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM