Stimulate my package

HALIFAX— Maritime lobster fishermen in need of financial help got a lift of another kind Tuesday when they were directed to a toll-free number that was supposed to detail an aid package but connected them to a lusty sex line instead.

One of the several toll-free information numbers released by Fisheries Minister Gail Shea hooks callers up to a sex line that offers fishermen nary a detail on the lobster stimulus package.

—Canadian Press

When I first heard this reported last week, I thought, “Oh no, not another embarrassing Canadian bureaucratic blunder.” I mean, imagine what a bummer it would be if you’re a starving fisherman whose livelihood is on the brink of complete meltdown and the only help you get is a fantasy chat from “Hottt Girls Ready to Cum to your Rescue for only $4.99 a minute.”

Then I realized maybe it wasn’t a mistake. Maybe instead this is the most genius move in telecommunication since a friend came up with the idea for an iPhone app that measured alcohol levels in my breath to prevent me from drunk dialing my ex-girlfriend and telling her that I had been through her garbage again and was “severely disconcerted” that she threw out my mixtape. Maybe the best way to sell an idea is through “Lusty ladies whose landlines are just waiting for your fingers to do the walking.”

Brrrrrrrt…Brrrrrrrt

Husky Female Voice answers: Hey there hot stuff, I’ve been waiting for your call. Are you ready for some tantalizing fun?

Fisherman: Um, hi dere, I’m a fisherman…

HFV: Mmmm… yeah. Hi captain, I bet you have a big rod… why don’t I connect you to one of our nasty girls that will provide you with everything your sexy heart desires.

F: Uh, alrighty.

Another Husky Female: Hi, my name is Candy. What’s your name?

F: Da name’s Walter Pike, I want to know aboot the Lobster Stimulus Package.

AHF: Oh yes, we have all kinds of ways to stimulate your lobster, honey. First off, what are you wearing?

F: Well, normally I’d be wearing my rubber waders…

AHF: Ohhh, I love latex, that’s soooo hot.

F: Well, it does get sweaty down dere sometimes, especially in da summer when you’re haulin’ in a ton of lobster every day. But I’m not wearing my waders anymore. Y’see, I’ve tied up my boats since lobsters dropped to three dollars a pound; it’s been really hard.

AHF: Oh mmmm, I bet it’s really hard…and long. Tell me how long it is.

F: Well, yes, it’s been difficult for over a year and my catches have lost value by tens of thousands of dollars. What’s the Fishery Department going to do about it?

AHF: Well, baby, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. First I wanna know how big your load is.

F: What?

AHF: Well, depending on how big and throbbing your landings were this year, you could be eligible for $5,000. How would you like that baby?

F: Five thousands dollars? I’ve lost tens of thousands this year, that’s nothing!

AHF: Oh baby, don’t be mad, I don’t want a spanking—unless you’re into that. I also have another huge and juicy $50-million to help fishermen develop and implement long-term sustainability plans, which includes buyouts. So some of you boys can keep going and going and going all night long.

F: Actually, there are restrictions on night fishing. Listen, this is totally insufficient for what we’ve gone through in the last year, particularly in the Northumberland Strait where landings have been down, and incomes have been down, for as long as 10 years. What else have you got for me?

AHF: Umm, I can also play with my boobs.

F: Okay.

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA