THIS WEEK: Love, hate, Joey C. Chaperon,
the hole in the fence!

PLUS: A girl with a Nazi fetish!!

M This is Dallas. I LOVE you, Rant Line™. But the last couple of months there’s been so much HATING on the hipsters. All these people seem to think that they own a particular scene—but a scene is for everybody and we’ve got to stop all this hating against other people. You think you’re cooler than them because they’re trying to get in on your scene and they think they’re cool because they’re trying to get in on a new scene—it’s just something that has to stop because everybody’s trying to be cool in their own way! I think we should just LOVE EACH OTHER because Montreal is all about that. With Pop Montreal coming up, it’s really important to show that we’re a city that appreciates everybody and that we love each other and we love our music. So much love goes out to you, Montreal. All right. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F What up, Montreal. This is for the anal retentive motherfucker who went to a club and was all upset because there was SMOKING. First of all, if you don’t enjoy the smoke, stay the fuck home, sweetheart. Because you know what? Even if we stop smoking, there’s still so much pollution in the air. And there’s so much drugs and alcohol—by the way, alcohol attacks every organ in your body way worse than fucking cigarettes. And I’m sure you were pounding back a couple of drinks. So if you don’t appreciate the smoke, stay the fuck home or get a bitch to smoke your PIPE, motherfucker. But until then, shut the fuck up and let me smoke my goddamn cigarette because it’s all I can do to keep myself from tearing you another fucking asshole, just so I can fucking buck you all night long like it’s The Shawshank Redemption, bitch. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, hi, Rant Line™, I was calling simply to ask why would they put DJ Premier and DJ Lord from Public Enemy on the same goddamn day? Why would they do that? That’s just got me confused. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, yeah this is for the two boys that had a little bit of an ALTERCATION with me in Montreal West on Thursday night. We got into a bit of a fist fight. I knocked out your buddy, there, and then you jumped on my back. You punched me 20 times in the head and I lost my cell phone. Boys, I’m really sorry about what happened. I shouldn’t have punched your friend in the face. It was all a big MISUNDERSTANDING. But I really, really need that phone back. So if there’s any way, boys, we could come to some sort of agreement, I will reward you. I will give you weed, I’ll give you money, whatever the fuck you want. I just need that phone back. So get in touch with me. Oh, fuck, I guess the only way for you to get in touch with me would be putting up another rant. Put a rant up and let’s meet up because I need that phone, guys. I’m really sorry about punching you in the face. All right. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the girl who left a rant about couples at the Kings of Leon concert. While I admit that PDAs on the metro or at CHURCH are wrong, I would say that getting it on at a rock ’n’ roll show to a track like “Knocked Up” with your loved one is fairly natural. And I’m going to go so far as to speculate here, if not imply seriously, that you need to get laid and that’s about the size of it. Probably you went there thinking you were going to get some and when no one around wanted to look at you, you got cranky about what was happening around you. So, anyways, I hope that the people you were watching did get knocked up and spread the love. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, if I pass you on the bike lane, don’t creep up ahead of me while I’m waiting at the red light. That’s just RUDE. [BLEEP!]

M This is like a REVERSE RANT because I’m so satisfied with something and I have to let somebody know! I called Vidéotron and Vidéotron sent somebody over here to hook me up to the Internet and to give me my phone connection and when I offered that Vidéotron person a blowjob, rather than him, like, hitting me in the face or something like that, he said, “It’s very tempting. Thanks a lot.” Yeah, I’m happy that I’m going to have my Internet with Vidéotron! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is to the dumb motherfuckers at CN Rail or whatever the fuck who for the past several years have really felt the need to patch over every new HOLE IN THE FENCE across the tracks by Rosemont metro and Mile-End. Every time you do it, someone opens a new hole and it’s a pain in the ass for everyone, so could you just stop? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say that Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds is the fucking hottest thing ever. And if this makes me, like, a girl with a NAZI FETISH, then I’m completely ready to deal with that. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’m calling about that girl who isn’t AUTONOMOUS enough to figure out that she can just put Final Flash in Google and see who the lead singer is by herself. But because I’m drunk, I’m going to give her some tips. His name is Joey C. Chaperon and his number is ***-****. And yeah, otherwise, I want to say fuck flip flops too. And yeah, giving blowjobs is great—that’s my rave of the day! I love being cummed on! I wish everyone a fantabulous night. Have a night. Have a life. Bye! [BLEEP!]

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