THIS WEEK: Radiohead, gypsies,
pro wrestlers, wasps!

PLUS: Drunken Bixi driving!!

F Hey Rant Line™. I’m ranting about Café Sarajevo. It was a wonderful place to go to and hear live music. But now no longer can we musicians play there and no longer can we go hear AMAZING GYPSY music since now it’s been changed to a restaurant because they lost their LICENSE. So I’m quite sad about that and I hope that they get their license back soon. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Jon Cummins, stop ripping on the guy from Treble Charger just because he kicked you out of the band. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just called to say that Radiohead is fucking gay-ass, emo shitballs, suck my anus fucking fag rock. Honestly, fucking hurting ball sac. Fuck that shit. Hurt worse than Morrissey. Worse than fucking Morrissey. No exaggeration. You stupid bitch-ass motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

M This isn’t so much a rant as it is a question to the Ville de Montreal. How much fucking money are you guys going to spend SANDBLASTING all the graffiti all over the city? I mean, the Decarie autoroute had some NICE PIECES up there. You could have cleaned up the old nasty ones and leave the new ones that are nice! Christ, you guys are spending millions of dollars or hundreds of thousands of dollars on this shit and the TA wall—what happened to that? You guys clean that all up? I thought that spot was where you were allowed to go and paint? It’s way too much tax money spent on cleaning the shit up. For what? To look at grey brick cement? Yay. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my brother is a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER and he’s younger than me and the thing that I realize is that there aren’t enough former professional wrestlers around to give him the TUTELAGE needed. This guy is going nowhere. Unbelievable. [BLEEP!]

F Montreal, if you can SMELL your own perfume or cologne, it’s too goddamn much. You better ask somebody. And why isn’t there a drag show featuring En Vogue? That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the dumb bitch that doesn’t know where to get her FLOAT. Go to the bank. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the woman who stole my purse from right behind my back while I was filling my children’s OPUS cards at the machine in Peel metro, Stanley exit. You got the money for my kids’ school supplies and uniforms. You got my seven-year old digital camera with the pictures from my brother’s wedding and many others that have great value to me. You also got my mp3 player that I use all the time. I’m a single mom and cannot replace these things easily. You made me suffer greatly and traumatized my children by robbing us. Please stop ripping people off. Go to rehab. Get a job. Get a life. Stop inflicting your MISERY on others. You probably don’t have my stuff anymore but if you have anything of mine, even just my memory card, if you have one ounce of compassion left in your soul, please return my purse with my belongings to the STM or to the police. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™ and all the sweeties. Listen, my rant is about the freakin’ BIXI bikes. First of all, nobody ever uses them. Second reason, why did you take a parking spot to put those Bixis? Can’t you put them on the sidewalk? There is already such a small amount of DECENT PARKING in Montreal, you want to take that away from us? I’m thinking there’s some sort of conspiracy behind this because it doesn’t make sense. They invested way too much in this project way too quickly. I’m sorry, it’s dumb. The Bixi bikes? It’s bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M You’ve got a couple of bottles of white, you’ve got a couple of bottles of Propeller, you put your helmet on and you’re like me. Go down St-Urbain riding a Bixi, you freaking roar like a tyrannosaurus rex. [Makes roar sound]. And then you stop at the red light, you obey the pedestrian walking sign, you’re polite, you’re this and that. But then you get going, you’re [Roar sound again], you’re racing down St-Urbain, turn left on Pine—BAM. You’re at your destination. Oh God, I love Montreal. Thank you, Bixi. RIDING DRUNK with thee but with a helmet on. Thank you very much. I love you Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M Now this is going to sound like a smart-ass thing, but this is actually a real serious science question and I’m without Internet, right now. I also don’t think the answer is on the Internet I believe it’s only in the Rant Line™. So here goes—the decline of the BEE population has been somewhat explained, I suppose, but what about the uprising in the WASP population over the last two years? And spare me the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant jokes. But the more the wasps are sort of running the playground, so to speak, has anybody else noticed that they aren’t as crazy and out of control as they’re supposed to be? For the number of wasps you see, rarely do you see people getting stung! On a downtown street, where they’re hovering around every garbage can, you would think that every five feet there’d be a wasp STING VICTIM. But I think that the wasps are adapting to our human ways, our ways of life and being. I just walked up my staircase and I swear the wasp courteously ducked out of my way when I was swinging my foot at him walking up the stairs—or at her, as it were. I think wasps are men? Anyways, clearly I know nothing about this, about wasps and why they are being courteous. I’d like to know if anyone can explain it to me. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local music scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).