THIS WEEK: Students, waitresses,
queens, Frank McCourt!

PLUS: Newfies on the Internet!!

M Yeah, my brothers, please print this otherwise I’m going to lose my mind. This is a message for those gay bitches that moved into the apartment on Bourget and Notre Dame. You damn queens have been having a loud-ass party since July 1. I’m tired of hearing your music at 1 a.m. and your she-male Asian hos calling each other girlfriend and talking about dick. I ain’t got a problem with you being gay, but I got a problem with you partying every Saturday night. So quiet the shit down, you SILLY QUEENS. Please print that because those queens got to stop or I’m going to lose my damn mind. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M To the orientation organizers at CEGEP du Vieux Montreal on Ontario and Sanguinet, there is a bunch of people who live on Sanguinet. And I know you love to blast your TERRIBLE MUSIC that none of the new students want to hear, but it’s waking us up at nine o’clock in the morning. So if you could turn it down a little bit and not play your crap music which makes me hate everything about you, that would be wonderful. Because there are other people who live here and I want to play my stereo next to your ear in the morning and see how you like it, you insensitive bastards. I’m going to call the police on you. [BLEEP!]

M It’s that time of year again and I thought I would do a public service announcement for the influx of new kids coming into Montreal. Life in the big city. Away from the parents. Good stuff. Maybe you got your brand new BONG and your longboard ready to come play with the big boys and girls. Well, just a reminder to never, ever, ever, ever tip your bartender, barman or barmaid, as it were. It’s your number one key to success at university, because you won’t be able to get hungover, you won’t be able to get drunk. In fact, you won’t even be able to get served at any establishment in Montreal. So that can only bode well for your academic career. So just don’t forget. Don’t tip your barman or your barmaid. And honour roll, here you come. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is a question for all the waitresses in this city. Where the heck do you go to make change and get your FLOAT? No place in this city wants to give me any change. It’s really, really annoying. Where do you go? [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got mixed feelings about HMV selling rock biographies. It’s good, they sell books at the music store now, I’m all for the advancement of knowledge. But I’d like to know why they’re selling FRANK MCCOURT books at HMV. I guess because he’s dead now he’s a rock star? Is that it? Nothing like the eternal honour of having your book displayed beside Nikki Sixx’s Heroin Diaries and some fucking KISS book. Of course, HMV are the same luminaries that fought back against musical downloading by jacking up the prices but then decided to sell iPods. So I guess their business model is just way ahead of the pack and I just don’t get it. [BLEEP!]

M So I do my regular thing on Thursday night, saying “Oh, I’m going to stop by THE POUND and see what’s going on.” I go to the Pound doors, it’s open, I walk in, and it’s fucking dead inside. I talk to one of the guys there he says, sorry, things have been cancelled over here, no more shows, there’s no more entertainment on Thursday nights and parties and so forth. Apparently, they got busted and fined. I’m, like, what the fuck? [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this one goes out to all you fans of gambling out there. I’m talking about the SCRATCHY TICKET types. Do you know, you can buy lottery tickets in the afternoon! You don’t have to go at 6:30 in the morning to buy them and hold up the line and make people who are actually trying to go to work late. You know what work is?! Yeah, it’s that thing that you do to make money, you don’t spend money thinking you’re going to win it. That’s what it is. So, please, stop going to fucking Couche-Tard in the fucking morning to buy your degenerate gambling habits, okay?! Try in the afternoon. You’re not going to win anyway. [BLEEP!]

M All right, I’ve got a bone to pick with you, Montreal. We are two handsome, charming Newfoundlanders—usually drunk, sometimes not—and people say that we’re NEWFIES. But the thing about that is, we’re not Newfies—because that’s like our word, you know? It’s our word. It just is, man, it’s like the N word. I’m not a novelty because I’m a Newfoundlander. I don’t determine taxes by how many lobsters an old man in a fishing boat picks up some day. It’s not like that. We speak faster and drink a lot more than everybody else. And we’re also thinking about getting an Internet. Basically, we’re going to put up cameras in all of the rooms and it’s just going to be called Two Straight Guys. It’s going to be something to look out for. I think you’ll like it. Oh yeah. [BLEEP!]

F Baby, my rant is B & M cheeseburger. Qu’est-ce qu’on peut dire? Le petit after-taste, the charcoal, c’est comme B & M baby dependant. Comme un PERMANENT ERECTION. Mm, mm, mouthful of B & M cheeseburger. Best waitress in town. Mmmm. Ahhhhhh. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy that called in and said that skinny jeans shouldn’t come in size 14. I think I love you. I wish you weren’t gay. [BLEEP!]

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