THIS WEEK: Tourists on Bixis, size 14,
French from France!

PLUS: Punisher vs. pimp!!

M I just want to tell that dude, Sinnott, to stop hating on Radiohead just because they don’t want to sell their album for $20 a pop. Stop hating on Radiohead, man. You trash them every fucking week. Just lay off. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, I left a rant for the Sinnott guy who hates on Radiohead earlier. Look, I’m sorry, man. You’re all right. Radiohead’s all right, too. I’m sorry, man. Stop hating on Radiohead, man. That’s all. They’re awesome. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve had it with French people from Paris, France who come here to work and live and COMPLAIN about Montreal. If you’re not happy being here, just go back home. And don’t forget to pack up your annoying attitude. And the French women—goddamn, they’re ugly. Because of them, we’re going to lose our title of the Canadian city with the most beautiful ladies. And, guys, it’s good to SHOWER at least once a day. And stop using the deodorant stick as a butt plug. Rub it under your arms. And have a nice big cup of shut the fuck up. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is for that DITZY TOURIST riding those godforsaken Bixis and crashing into me on the corner of Rene Levesque and Beaver Hall. Watch where you’re going next time! And resorting to laughing hysterically at yourself does not constitute an apology. [BLEEP!]

M Hey asshole who stole my laptop and soundcard and subsequently all of my Pro Tools files while I was drunk and PASSED OUT at the Pine and Parc intersection, guess what? I still have the iLok USB key. You lose. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah this is a rant for the guy who asked me for 20 bucks to help me push my car because I was out of gas. I just want to tell him, you’re a CHEAPO. You could have helped me for free, man! What kind of human are you? [BLEEP!]

M This rant is in response to that whole thing about that girl getting beaten up by her PIMP. You know, maybe this city doesn’t need stuff like Stella. Maybe what every single city needs is people who will do something about it. Someone who is fucked-up enough, or INSANE enough—or maybe TOO SANE. Someone who has lost everything, who doesn’t give a shit. VIGILANTES. Punisher-style people. That’s one thing that all this world of SUPERHEROES got right. Fuck Batman, fuck Superman, fuck all those other heroes. Somebody like the Punisher. He’s got a bit of humanity left in him to make the world better by getting rid of all the bad people. Seems like a CRAZY, violent way to actually make the world a better place, but it actually does make sense! If you’ve got all kinds of cockroaches running around in your kitchen, you’re not going to try to be nice to them and put them in a jar—which is like putting people in jail. Just fucking step on them, right? That’s it. So, basically, people like this pimp, all these scumbags, all these losers, the HUMAN FILTH walking every single city on the fucking planet, they just need to be killed. And you know what? Good people die every day. What’s the point about people caring? I mean, a lot of people say you shouldn’t kill. Who gives a shit? People like this we can do without. Anyways, hopefully maybe some people out there will get inspired to do something. I’m BORDERLINE myself. I’m thinking about it. [BLEEP!]

F Lesson of the week: if you don’t want to get SLAPPED by a pimp, don’t become a hooker. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, ladies and gentlemen and cougars. It’s me, sweeties. Summer has been really sucky weather-wise but I hope you all enjoyed it. I just wanted to say my rant is about skinny jeans. Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. That is just a lie. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I just want to say that it’s really annoying when you’re on the metro and they tell you the orange line is going to be RETARDED or however they say it in French, retard, and it’s not retarded. And you’re panicking like shit because you don’t think you’re going to make it to work on time and, like, it’s not slowed down at all! [BLEEP!]

M Dear Montreal, I hate you. When we first met six years ago, we were in LOVE but you treated me so badly over the years that I hate you now and I want everyone reading this to know how cruel and evil you are. Remember the time when you ran over me making an ILLEGAL left hand turn in your black SUV on Mont-Royal? I went to the hospital that night and lay there for hours to get stitches put in my face while SCAR TISSUE formed. How about the time when you and your friends beat me up in St-Henri because I was alone and couldn’t speak French to you? I accumulated a couple more scars on my face that day. I went to classes after that for five months, full-time French language lessons. But now that I’m fully bilingual, you still will not reply to me in French, tabarnac. I paid your fines for jaywalking, for not having my two dog licenses on my dog’s collar and every two weeks you steal a third of my paycheque to pay for roads, infrastructure and health care and I look around you and I see everything is still broken and shitty and only getting worse. But this time, you really broke my heart when you came into my house while I was at work, stole my guitar and walked off down the street with my DOG. I fucking hate you now for all these reasons given here and more, Montreal. Give me back my dog, please. If you have any heart at all, you’ll give it back and I will leave you alone. Bye. [BLEEP!]

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