THIS WEEK: The Monks, Little Sister,
can machine scam!

PLUS: Standing up against the tyranny of Doug!!

M If they ever decide to award a NOBEL PRIZE for promoting garage music, I would like to nominate Matt and Oliver at Teenbeat Takeover Productions for mounting the Wooly Weekend, the most successful and rewarding garage festival or garage event I’ve ever seen. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is someone reporting that it is the sixth or seventh time they’ve heard the motherfucking MONKS played by a DJ this summer. I’m just getting really sick of it. No one fucking cares that you downloaded the Monks from Soulseek—like, oh wow, I downloaded some wacky proto-punk band from Soulseek. We all did that in high school and no one cares anymore and it’s nothing that anyone wants to be into. It’s actually not that good by itself! I know it’s IMPORTANT but I really don’t want to hear it when I’m at a bar. Anyway, it’s been bugging me for a really long time. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F This is for all the dozens of dudes in NDG on their bikes who ride by me and my buddy coming home from work every night at 11. We could have HIT a few of you guys already. You want to know why? You have no lights. You don’t have lights on your spokes even. You have no reflective clothing or tags. What are you trying to be—Batman? Can’t see you. [BLEEP!]

M So there was this guy who’s talking about how pissed off he is at the CAN MACHINE at the grocery store. Yeah, they piss me off too. Especially when you go to Super C and you have all these cans and you bring them to the front and they say no, pass them through the machine. So you have to pass them one by one and it takes forever and it stinks. So I figured if I’m going to have to touch cans and get my hands all filthy, I want to get paid for it. So what I did is this: you know there’s those tall cans like BITBURGER and stuff like that? The bar code on it, you cut it out with an X-Acto knife, photocopy it a bunch of times on a piece of paper and then you cut it. You glue it on your five cents cans so when you put them in the machine, then you basically quadruple your money, every five cents can gives you 20 cents. It’s worth your time if you’re going to get your hands dirty and spend an afternoon emptying a garbage bag full of cans every day. So, uh, yeah… making money. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, what’s up? I’m calling about the girl who ranted about her LITTLE SISTER, who came to Montreal and got beaten up by her PIMP. Now, I’m agreeing with you, that’s a terrible thing. But you go on to say, what the fuck is up with Montreal and how this city is so fucked up. Girl, you need to grow up. This shit happens everywhere in the world. Every city, every major city. It’s not just this one. Seriously. For real. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the fucking idiot who’s pissed off at his sister who got beat up by her pimp. Maybe you should be pissed off that your sister’s a whore and not that she got beat up by her fucking pimp? And what the fuck’s the matter with Montreal? All big fucking cities are fucked up. Even little ones. Go to TWO MOUNTAINS, that city’s a fucking drug den, dude. So, yeah. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is for the girl who found out her little sister works here and her pimp just beat her up. I was going to tell you both to get in touch with an organization called Stella. You can find them online at chezstella.org. They’re an organization devoted to resources for helping sex workers from all walks and they have legal help, they have medical help. They have all kinds of resources there. So, please, you and your sister contact Stella and hopefully she can get away from that dude. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F I can’t believe you guys printed my freaking thing about my sister and her pimp because now I’m kind of worried that I said too much. I guess there’s nothing I can do now but I just hope that I actually got the message out there, because I was not expecting it to get printed whatsoever. Anyways, thanks. I hope it helps someone and I hope my sister doesn’t kill me. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M This isn’t really a rant, it’s more like a reply. Yeah, I sort of got confused because someone out there said that they had this boyfriend with the biggest, tastiest, JUICIEST COCK in the whole world. I don’t have a girlfriend so how is that possible? Anyway, that’s about it. You all have a good time. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t love Marineland. Shows what you know, fucking 25-year-old ad campaign. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m a first time caller and this message is for the guy in the Rant Line™ who was complaining about the guy who interviewed him, DOUG, and he told him he was a piece of shit in a fucking SUIT. I just want to tell that guy that I look up to him for standing up for himself. It felt good to read that because he’s talking for the little guy, you know? Facing those big suits. And it was pretty satisfying to read—“He hung up on me, he’s mad, fucking pissed. Guess what Doug? Fuck you.” Yeah, that’s perfectly said, short and sweet. I just wanted to say, good on that guy. [BLEEP!]

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