Let her eat cake

by ERIK LEIJON

From what we know about ditzy former French royal Marie Antoinette’s reputation, the starving masses of the French third estate in the 18th-century were more inclined to send the vapid queen to the chopping block than protect her from bloodthirsty invaders.

Not so in Fat Princess (PSN/SCE, Titan). The downloadable multiplayer-strategy game is your typical capture the flag title with one major exception: the prize is your portly despot, who has been kidnapped and must be returned to her throne. Starring five classes of big-headed cartoon characters, the game has 32 players (16 on each side) duke it out on multi-tiered forestal maps, protecting and claiming miniature fortifications along the way. Working together with your teammates, you must claim enough small bases in order to gain access to the opponents’ main base, where your captured princess is being caged. In a shrewd manoeuvre, the enemy has been stuffing her silly with cake, making her nearly impossible to carry away to safety (you’ve been doing the same with their princess). The first to reunite the princess with her lowly subjects is declared the winner.

There are a multitude of influences behind this quirky online multiplayer-specific game. The capture the flag and base stealing parts are pure Battlefield, the cutesy cartoon characters-meets-shocking bloodlust has been seen previously in the likes of Conker, and the class system and default top-down camera perspective is more reminiscent of a traditional strategy game. Fat Princess isn’t the most decadent slice of online gaming, but more like a plate of Nanaimo Bars—sort of disconcerting and bland at first, but before you know it you’ve slammed back a half-dozen of them. You might even develop a taste for those blocky abominations.

Fat Princess games are breezy and brainless, as there isn’t much to do beyond running around, tapping or holding down the attack button. There are five different character classes, each with their own specific roles, and the maps contain multiple narrow pathways perfect for close-quartered combat. Unfortunately, Fat Princess is almost too simple and it results in games where the princesses never leave their cages—since it’s damn near impossible to make it through the waves of enemy combatants who congregate in the centre and never move. And even though each soldier has a different skill set (you can change class at almost any time), there’s still only one attack button and it will be mashed considerably.

I like Black Forest Cake, but usually one slice after dinner will suffice. Don’t gorge yourself on Fat Princess, but don’t count calories either: Fat Princess deserves a taste.

Mutant pizza

I have played the worst game of 2009 so you won’t have to: the XBox Live Arcade remake of the 1991 arcade classic beat ‘em up Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time (XBLA/Ubisoft, Ubisoft Singapore) is a colossal fuck up.

Rather avant-garde back in the day thanks to some stylish cartoon graphics, a TMNT fan’s dream list of enemy bosses and an unforgettably hyperactive soundtrack—the remake inexplicably replaces the comic book turtles with generic 3D ones, and adds a boring new soundtrack seemingly borrowed from the take-out waiting area at Pizza Hut.

Blame the developers for not knowing what made the game special in the first place, because all that remains is a run-of-the-mill arcade brawler that’s a half-shell of its former self.

The cool technodrome level from the Super NES adaptation is gone as well, even though that was the version most Turtle fans are familiar with. Nothing redeemable about this horrid game—just play Turtles in Time on a Super NES emulator like every one else.